I am trying here. I am trying to be a good father. I am trying to be a good fiance. I am trying to be a good student. I am trying to be a good neighbor. I am trying to be a good person. Lately, i have felt that the weight of everything that I am supposed to be trying in has gotten heavier and my strength is failing. I guess trying too much just leads to being more tired. Even after all of my trying I still don't feel so accomplished. I guess I am waiting for that moment in my life where I hear, "hey! you're trying really well and I appreciate you." Appreciation. What a nice thing to have. Sometimes i lose sight of that. Sometimes i don't feel appreciated at all. I miss the days when I would lead a birthday party and I would have parents coming up to tell me how special I made this day for their child. I would have parents of the parent's child's friends (yep, i just did that!) come up and say how amazing I am with the kids. Those days have gone. To be more specific, the appreciation for their appreciation is gone. I don't feel satisfied after running a successful party. I don't feel accomplished or even appreciated. All I feel is irritation and annoyance for having to work a child's birthday party on a Sunday.
I am trying not to be negative. There I go again with the word try. Try this and try that. I feel like I just try all day. I would like to change it from try to succeed. I succeeded in not being negative. I succeeded as a father today. I succeeded in being a good fiance. You can see how this pattern continues. I just want accomplishment in my life and I want to share it with everyone around me. I think if I get through this Masters program I will introduce myself as, "Hi I'm Patrick, graduate of Frostburg State University's Masters of Arts in Teaching." What a long sentence! I can add that to the others: I succeeded in being a father. I succeeded in getting married. Success is evidence of trying and I would like to be able to say I did that.
Why try? Why put in all of this effort and see nothing for it. I am just starting down a long road called fatherhood and I love my son very much but it is a difficult road. It is a road where tough choices are being made and a sense of maturity is expected in order to be a good role model. I have to be a person who watches out for someone, feeds them, hugs them, disciplines them, loves them, bathes them, laughs with them, cries with them, and ultimately be there for them. It's a lot of pressure to make sure you do a good job. It's actually enough pressure to make you take two Advil to relieve your migraine that begins when you start thinking about all of this. Trying is something that I guess I just have to do. And whether a good or bad outcome is the end result, I have no choice but to give it my best and hope for the best.
Perhaps I am missing something. Perhaps it is not just the beginning and then the end that matter. Everything in between can be a very long journey if you don't have something to award it with. Perhaps I am missing the steps that take you from trying to success. Perhaps I need something to recognize what I am going through. A checklist if you will. Something that offers these little success from the first step of trying to the last step of success. With these little steps maybe then I won't feel like I am wasting my time or why I am doing this. Perhaps this little success steps will help me get to the end on a more positive note. To reiterate, I don't feel like trying is a bad thing, I just feel so overwhelmed with everything I have to try in, that I am seeing more obstacles than opportunity. Maybe that is what I need to focus on: acknowledging the steps of my effort and celebrating it. Maybe that is what I need to feel better about who I am and what I am doing in this world.
Or maybe I just need to grow up.
