Strive

So I'm slowly deciding on taking a writer's approach to life. I will be trying to write more frequently and more on a concentrated subject: Parenthood. I think that a person in my line of work reach out and let other's know that there are men out there that strive to be a good dad. They strive to make sure they offer the very best for their children. I want to be able to talk more and more about it.

Not only that, I want to enlighten people about being a dad without having the ring on their finger. We look at the country we live in and more than 50% of those people have children without being married. That right there is a sign that there will be many lost people out there who think that no one is there for them. I want to be able to say, "hey, it's okay. I'm here for you" without the pretense of judgement, or arrogance, or even condemnation. We need to feel safe about the choices we make. Sorry, safe is a bad word to use here. I'm not going to be more a conservative but let's admit it. They call it an accident for a reason. We didn't plan on having a child, it was an accident. Let's not blow that word out of proportion! Society takes us to call our child an accident like a sin. We are tarred and feathered for accusing our baby for being born before any martial status has occurred. Condemn us for doing what everyone else is doing! I apologize for engaging in premarital sex and for doing what every person does when they are in a relationship. The only difference between us is I have proof that it happened! Not so much a very fair thing in our lives to do. Life wasn't meant to be fair to anyone (except a few people I've met in life who have it all! Those lucky sons of bitches!) but it has a very distinct way of working out.

I take back what I said earlier. I don't apologize for engaging in premarital sex. It was wonderful and it caused us to have Sam. And for a society that 50% of marriages end in divorce why would we want to go through a bunch of different hoops only to learn that we weren't meant for each other and drag Sam through custody battles and yadda yadda. It works the way we want it to work and we'll go from there. I'm not so naive to think that we're immune to those situations but if we had rushed getting married, I definitely think we would have a lot of stress on our hands right now. As the case, we're doing very well and I'm anxious to talk about it.

So I'm trying to write more and I promise that I will post more on here (more than once a month) but I need to figure out some stronger and more powerful things to talk about than just my day-to-day life. I am going to focus on that. Goal for the week: list things that you see or are interested in talking about and research more. Also, try and record some of your dreams. They are really neat and have good content in there but you forget in the morning. So work on that. Above all, I write my story and no one else. And because I write it, I get to decide what I do or don't. Not a society, not my family, and not the media. My choices and I'm proud of the ones I've made so far. Ears open, mind open, heart open and let's go!

Also, I'm brewing a Cranberry Ale and an Apple Cinnamon beer. I will let you know how they go and then post. Here's a few more shots of Sam.

How cute is he?! Answer: Very cute!

THE FAMILY!!

we look soooo good!

goodbye

There are plenty of things that I look back upon and just reminisce and miss. I realize that a lot of my past was hard for me but I also realize how much of it I enjoyed and how much it meant to me. There are so many memories that flood back to me about Wigwam, High school, College and being single that I keep going over in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now and I love Alice and my baby boy. I just sometimes wish I could relive some of the old days and just remember how it felt to be so carefree and so irresponsible. The thing I worry the most is, will I ever have a chance to be irresponsible again? Will I have that chance to just not give a damn and just do something fun, something spontaneous, something out of the ordinary? And if I do, will I regret it forever? I just don't think that will ever come around again. I don't see it as being a bad thing. But I wonder if I'm at the point of just saying goodbye to a lot of juvenile activities and start being a dad. Start being a role model. I over think a lot of things and this is definitely one of them, I just really think I need to take some time and say goodbye. Goodbye to being a camp counselor and drinking at night with the guys. Goodbye to taking random trips to Chicago, Maine and California. Say goodbye to long sleepless nights and drinking until sunrise and drinking so much coffee you shake for hours! Goodbye to googling over women with your buddy at the bar and hitting on the bartenders. Goodbye to doing whatever you want to do.

Goodbye to being free.

Now if you're judging that last comment please remember that losing your bachelor freedom is not a bad thing. You do lose it. But what have I gained? A family. A new life? Someone who loves me. A child who will idolize me. Yeah, it's not a bad thing to lose it. All I'm saying is that, a lot of these things which I took for granted kind of were ripped away so quickly that I never got to say goodbye. So, if you see me doing something stupid, thinking of dumb things and saying ridiculous words, please remember that I'm taking the time to say goodbye. This is my therapy. Simply to slowly let it all unwind out of me and slowly just let it all sink in that I am a family man. I am a father. I am a boyfriend. I am something that's more than just me. Not a bad thing at all.

So Goodbye freedom. Goodbye single life. Goodbye randomness. Goodbye selfishness. Goodbye irresponsibleness. Goodbye laziness. Goodbye.

I'm waking up to becoming a better human being.

SUCK IT!

Update

Two things are being accomplished in this blog.

1. I'm giving you another beer recipe. I think it's delicious and I actually brewed it to welcome Alice back to the world of beer. Being pregnant and such limited her alcohol intake. I want to make sure I get her back on track! This is a delicious style of American wheat mixed with strawberry flavoring. It's a great summer treat. I recommend that anytime you add a fruit flavor, check with your supplier to see if that fruit will compliment with the other ingredients in the recipe. Fruit flavor is as good as the malts, the hops and the barley it stands next to. Just a recommendation.

2. More baby Sam pics! Thanks to you all who have been there to hold him, ooh and ahh over him, and throw out your love to him. He's a very lucky little man. He's doing well. We just went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and he's now in the 50% for his height and weight. He's also putting on the pounds! He was 6lbs 2 oz when born and now is over 8lbs! He's getting big and he has a bottomless pit for a stomach! He was doing an average of 2-4 oz when born and is not between 4-8 each feeding! Crazy. He's incredibly cute and very very happy. We catch him smiling about a lot of little things. People say it's just gas bubbles but we know the truth! He's happy to be alive!

BEER

Strawberry Wheat.

OG: 1.047

FG: 1.012

ABV: 4.5%

IBU: 15

Ingredients:

1 can (3.3) plain wheat extract

3lbs Light DME

.5lb crystal 20

.5 lb Carapils

1 oz Mt Had hop pellets

.5 tsp Irish moss

White Labs California Ale or 1 pack Safale dry yeast

3/4 c priming sugar

strawberry fruit flavor

couple of things:

No finishing hops! yay! really easy to make.

add your strawberry flavor during bottling. Don't let it sit in your fermentor!

Directions:

1. Steep grains in hop bag in 1.5 gallons of water at 155 degrees for 30 minutes.

2. Remove grains and bring to a boil.

3. Remove from heat and add both liquid and dry malt extracts. Bring back to boil.

4. Add hop pellets and boil for 20 minutes.

5. Add Irish moss last 15 minutes.

6. Combine wort with water to make 5 gallons.

7. Stir the crap outta the mixture and then pitch yeast when temperature is 70-80 degrees.

8. Let the mixture sit for about 7 days or until the beer is finished fermenting.

9. Dissolve the sugar in 2 cups of boiling water and then throw into your bottling bucket. Siphon the beer and toss in the strawberry flavor.

10. Bottle.

11. About 10-14 days from then, uncap and drink. Enjoy!

And here's SAM!!

Birth

MY SON IS HERE!!!

he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and damn, is he gorgeous!!

I'm so excited I can't even begin to describe it. I get what all those other people say when they say you can't compare the feeling to anything else. It's truly remarkable! I love this little guy so very much! It's so bizarre these feelings. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe over time I will. 

I'm posting some pics up here for you all to look at. I'll put more as the weeks go on.

Thank you for everyone who gave congrats, praise and support. YOu all rock my socks!

Letter

I wrote this letter to a few good friends and decided to make it public. I just feel that it's very necessary to share with everyone and let them know how much I appreciate them. Read it or not, I feel good knowing it's out there. I don't often remark on how much I enjoy being around people and compliments are far and between from my mouth and hardly ever sound sincere. I just want you to know, whoever it is that's reading this, I care.

Hello!

  I was writing this to a friend of mine who I haven't spoken to in a few years. While I was writing it I realized that this email applied to so many other people in my life and I wanted to share it all with you. As I state later in this email, I am truly thankful for everything you have ever done for me, whether big or small. I know that during certain points in my life I depended on you to make me strong, keep me going or just be there to hold me. I thank you for your continuing belief in me and I hope I will be able to rise to the task before me. I guess I've been thinking about the people in my life that helped essentially make me the person I am today. Your friendship made me such a better person and I will always be in your debt for it. The reason why I've been going through these thoughts is that I'm having a baby! Anytime in the next couple of days I will be looking into the eyes of my son. And I know that as I stare into his eyes I will be thinking two things.

1. I have a beautiful boy that I will love more than anything else in the world. 
2. Have i learned enough about this world to teach my son to grow up and be strong, smart, and happy?

   I guess I've been thinking a lot of past and current friendships and with the future coming forward so quickly, I fear losing a piece of my identity. I feel as though I'm about to put my own self aside as I make room for this beautiful child and if I do, I just don't want my friendships to go with it. I make this sound so morbid! I really am excited about all of this and I cannot express the proper words to explain just how overjoyed I am. I want to make sure in the years to come that I stay connected in some way with the people that helped me get here. Above everything else that I have learned from books, teachers and my parents, I truly believe that it's people like you that have come into my life and heart that have made me the man that I am today. I want to thank you for providing me with something that is beyond a classroom. You have shared a part of yourself for me to take and cherish inside of my heart that I will never forget. I hope that I can teach my son the strength of friendship and impart upon him what it means to have people in your life that will forever change you. Thank you for being there when I needed you. 

Please let me know how your life is going and what is happening with you. I need the updates!!

Take care,
Patrick

Reliving

There are those moments when you kinda stare off and your mind begins to reshape events that happened in your past and all of a sudden you're reliving it. And it's so crystal clear in your mind that you actually feel like you're there. You can smell the air, see the event and actually be a part of your own subconscious. I guess that's what I envision virtual reality like. 

I just had that moment when I can for some reason or other remember the events that took place that day. I was focusing on the day that I said goodbye to a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, unlike those story book's you read about your friend leaving to go fight a war, or search for their soul, or dying in some epic moment, this was a friend who wanted nothing to do with you. It was a "I would like to cut you out of my life" kind of friend. Being on the receiving end of that, it pretty much sucks. I see how it goes through my head, the evil messaging back and forth, the harsh words the anger and frustration I felt after it was through. I guess in some ways I'm still not over it. 

For some reason though, I feel compelled to write to this person and tell them I'm having a baby. I was so shocked at how I had this urge. I just had to confess to this person my deepest darkest secret. I had to come clean, like this friend was my conscience for so long. THey held me accountable for so much and in some ways made me a better person. I just didn't think I owed them a thing. I was pretty sure that everything that we had done together meant we were friends and that's all. I just didn't realize that after all these years, I still wanted them to know about my life. Maybe it was my olive branch in hopes that we can let bygones be bygones. I'm not sure where I was coming from with it but I hope that whatever my intentions, they work in my favor.

I think a lot these days of the person that I've become. More specific, I think of how I became that person. It's still weird for me to say that I'm a man. I feel like a boy a lot of the times. A boy who doesn't have any idea of what is happening in this world, just enjoying the ride. Or a teenager. A stupid teenager who is just learning about drugs, sex, and rock and roll. I can't believe that in a month, I will be in charge of a person. I guess maybe that's why i wanted to write to this old friend. I want a clean slate as a beginning to start this child's life. I want no anger or hate when this boy is entering this world. I want him to come out perfect and because of it, I can't have any more lingering feelings of doubt or sadness or regret. I have to close my previous chapter of my life for good and get ready to start writing the new one. I hope I still can.

Bond

So there are these moments that you can specifically remember for the rest of your life and no matter how old you become you will always be able to treasure them. I guess that's where grandparents get all of their story telling from. Profound examples of how the world for one moment stopped and paid attention to you.

I am not actually citing an example of how that happened to me in this. I just feel that through all of my writing over all of the years I think about how at this moment, something so profound, so provocative, without measure, came in and touched your soul. It was so important that I had to write it down. Because it happened to  only you, there is no gainsay from others because it's your very own. Your experiences are only ours. The real privilege is when our experiences are shared with another. From jumping out of a plane together to defying death, when we can relive those experiences with someone our bond is even closer knitted. 

I am reminded of my trip to Prague over the summer. My friend Lauren had emailed me saying that she was doing this summer camp and would I be interested in helping out. I immediately said yes! and went through the whole interview process and such, got the job and had to buy the plane ticket, set everything up with traveling and rendezvous and yadda yadda yadda. The thing was that Lauren and I weren't really that close. We worked together before in summer camps but not so closely and not so well. We sort of had a good distant relationship and that was all. I was afraid that she was going to know everyone and kind of leave me to fend for myself (in a country where I was teaching English to non-speaking children) so I was pretty apprehensive.

Thing was that because of this experience, Lauren and I became insanely close and now is one of my very best friends. The whole two weeks were spent, laughing, talking, joking around (there was some work in there somewhere) and very much talks of how the world works. When you have two weeks together you learn so much about each other and go through so many of the same things that you have no choice but to have a link to each other.

Those moments are so precious and worth remembering and writing about. I just think that with everything going the way it is these days, we want to be able to remember our faith, our love, our compassion towards others. Write about it, preach about it, blog about it, we must have something to always hold on to. We are not so primitive in this day in age when all we think about is taking from another, hurting another, being jealous of what others have. We claim ourselves the most intelligent race and yet we gratify ourselves by beating up another. Rise above this. Be more than this. We can treasure our memories for a lifetime. In the end of your journey on this earth, do we want to recall the memories of long trips cross country over Europe or of hate and bigotry and war? With our last breath, I would hope that we want to say, "I love you" to our family and friends and not, "one day, you too will die!" Think of the message that we need to put out there. Be better than this. It is the only way our country will continue to survive. 

Probation

Well I'm at home today because I was temporarily suspended from work.

WHAT?! You of all people Patrick?!

I know right!

It is absolutely absurd the way my owner has taken control of the situation. Let me explain a little further. I walked into work yesterday with a note in my cubby that said, "Patrick, Move benches, clean sweep floors, clean cubbies!! EVERY NIGHT They Are Disgusting, Gayle." 

Now I am somewhat of a neat freak. Not OCD but pretty close, in my opinion. I like no mess and really at work I'm a little more lax than at home. But I always keep the gym up to par and clean it as best as possibly can. This was a very insulting note to me. Not only that but it was written on a post-it note and shoved in my box. I was angry.

sidenote: I have been putting up with my owner's shit for a while now. I actually date it back to when I asked for a promotion in October. Which she said, we'll talk and never went from there. From that point she has nothing to offer but negativity, snide remarks, and criticism of what I do. Over our last spring break she pulled me aside saying that I'm too sarcastic to the children and she has gotten complaints from parents about it (which is complete bullshit) and Kahla (my other co-worker) would be training our new hire with the overall eye. Everything is wrong when it comes to me. She has also threaten to cut hours, pay and benefits if the work that each gym is doing is not improved. 

So I wrote an extremely watered down note of how I do not appreciate how she regards me in a single post-it note of how everything is my fault here and instead of a team effort it was all on me. I wrote to her and told her if she has a problem with it then she needs to speak to me directly and not through a yellow piece of paper. I expect something a little more from her than this. A face-to-face or even a phone call would be the necessary thing to do not write a note.

My owner then calls me and says that I do not address her like this and that she's taking me off the schedule for the rest of the week to think about things and we'll talk on Monday. Apparently when people stand up to her they are dismissed and punished. Last I checked, freedom of speech was still in our Amendments. And the last I heard, defending yourself wasn't grounds for dismissal. I could be wrong, but I am very angry towards her right now. I think she has completely overacted with everything that has gone on with us and completely forgetting how loyal I have been to her over these last couple of years. I think that she is only thinking of what is happening now without consequence to the future of her company. 

This is the kind of thing that I hate about working there. Nothing is every praised. At least not myself. I might seem like I'm bitching a lot with this post but in all honesty it's a way for me to get out what is going on with me. I have a lot to deal with outside of work and as able as I am to push these outside things from my mind when it comes to work, I still have them going on. Not once has my owner mentioned my soon-to-be baby or even a congratulations. She has not once talked to me or offered any sort of comfort or advice about it. I find this insulting. Had we just started working with each other than I would somewhat understand. But we've had a long history now and it is very cruel of her to just forget about me. I haven't heard a single bit of praise utter out of her mouth in the last 6 months and snippets of them here and there in the last year. Hell, I haven't had a raise in 2 years. I feel that I've pent up a lot of frustration and I guess it kinda exploded in this email but even still, it wasn't rude or even condescending. For her to even try and label this as an attack or insult is way beyond anything that I was trying to accomplish and I'm sick and tired of trying to be polite with her. I want this resolved. Now.

BEER

So I make beer.

Most of you know this by now but for those of you who don't I do. And it's pretty awesome. Making beer has been a hobby of mine for a little over a year now. I got started with the Mr. Beer collection which is a great great device. I recommend it to all you new brewer's out there! It's easy and really makes decent beer. The one draw back is that there is a lot of head! My friend Julia had said once that Mr. Beer really is the champagne of beers because of how much head is produced. But seriously, good beer.

After a couple months with that thing I decided to really go for the real home brewers stuff and buy some serious equipment. SO I got the glass carboy and the ale pail and the cleaners and the kits and now I'm a brewing machine!! It is so fantastic to make and figuring out recipes and stuff like that is a lot of fun. People say that bottle capping your beer is one of the biggest pains, which I completely agree. It's about 30-40 minutes of pouring the stuff into your bottles and then capping them which is boring. There's nothing exciting about doing it. I don't complain about it because it's like anything else that you do in the kitchen. THe end result is yours! YOu just made some really good beer and you're bottling YOUR brew. I think that excitement in itself is worth those 30-40 minutes of bottling.

The reason why I'm writing this is that I just made a really great Smoked Porter and I wanted to share the recipe with everyone that actually reads this, which I doubt is very many. I hope one day I will have a following on here but for right now, those 3 people, you are my biggest fans! This porter had a very rich flavor and a definite taste of something grilled on a woodfire oven! The one thing I definitely recommend is to put NO more than the specific amount of liquid smoke in your brew. It seems like very little but it's a strong pungent smell that will overpower your brew if you use it too much! ENjoy. I'm making a Peach beer (which I'll lie and say it's a Apricot. who can taste the difference?!) and then the Next step for me, is all-grains!

Malt extract: 6lbs Northwestern dark extract

Specialty grain: 1lb 40-L crystal malt

Bittering hops: 2oz Northern Brewer (60 min)

Flavoring hops: 1 oz Fuggles (15 min)

Yeast: Wyeast #1028

Flavor ingredient: 1 ox Wright's liquid smoke

Primary: 6 days at 65 degrees ( I actually did 12 days in one fermentor just because I only have one!)

starting gravity: 1.045

finishing gravity: 1.012

Now just for those newbies out there, your starting and ending can be completely different from mine. ONly go with what you know! But average that gravity out at least 35% from the beginning. if it's not there you probably need to wait!

useless

I am typing on a keyboard where the spacebar squeaks! Haha, quite interesting.

I really didn't have a whole lot to talk about but I figure I would write something to make my blog updated. I think that a lot of people just write and go absolutely nowhere which is why it's so hard to read a lot of crap that is out there. But I figured that this would be one of those entries and if anyone is actually reading this then I would say wait for the next entry!