Reliving

There are those moments when you kinda stare off and your mind begins to reshape events that happened in your past and all of a sudden you're reliving it. And it's so crystal clear in your mind that you actually feel like you're there. You can smell the air, see the event and actually be a part of your own subconscious. I guess that's what I envision virtual reality like. 

I just had that moment when I can for some reason or other remember the events that took place that day. I was focusing on the day that I said goodbye to a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, unlike those story book's you read about your friend leaving to go fight a war, or search for their soul, or dying in some epic moment, this was a friend who wanted nothing to do with you. It was a "I would like to cut you out of my life" kind of friend. Being on the receiving end of that, it pretty much sucks. I see how it goes through my head, the evil messaging back and forth, the harsh words the anger and frustration I felt after it was through. I guess in some ways I'm still not over it. 

For some reason though, I feel compelled to write to this person and tell them I'm having a baby. I was so shocked at how I had this urge. I just had to confess to this person my deepest darkest secret. I had to come clean, like this friend was my conscience for so long. THey held me accountable for so much and in some ways made me a better person. I just didn't think I owed them a thing. I was pretty sure that everything that we had done together meant we were friends and that's all. I just didn't realize that after all these years, I still wanted them to know about my life. Maybe it was my olive branch in hopes that we can let bygones be bygones. I'm not sure where I was coming from with it but I hope that whatever my intentions, they work in my favor.

I think a lot these days of the person that I've become. More specific, I think of how I became that person. It's still weird for me to say that I'm a man. I feel like a boy a lot of the times. A boy who doesn't have any idea of what is happening in this world, just enjoying the ride. Or a teenager. A stupid teenager who is just learning about drugs, sex, and rock and roll. I can't believe that in a month, I will be in charge of a person. I guess maybe that's why i wanted to write to this old friend. I want a clean slate as a beginning to start this child's life. I want no anger or hate when this boy is entering this world. I want him to come out perfect and because of it, I can't have any more lingering feelings of doubt or sadness or regret. I have to close my previous chapter of my life for good and get ready to start writing the new one. I hope I still can.

Bond

So there are these moments that you can specifically remember for the rest of your life and no matter how old you become you will always be able to treasure them. I guess that's where grandparents get all of their story telling from. Profound examples of how the world for one moment stopped and paid attention to you.

I am not actually citing an example of how that happened to me in this. I just feel that through all of my writing over all of the years I think about how at this moment, something so profound, so provocative, without measure, came in and touched your soul. It was so important that I had to write it down. Because it happened to  only you, there is no gainsay from others because it's your very own. Your experiences are only ours. The real privilege is when our experiences are shared with another. From jumping out of a plane together to defying death, when we can relive those experiences with someone our bond is even closer knitted. 

I am reminded of my trip to Prague over the summer. My friend Lauren had emailed me saying that she was doing this summer camp and would I be interested in helping out. I immediately said yes! and went through the whole interview process and such, got the job and had to buy the plane ticket, set everything up with traveling and rendezvous and yadda yadda yadda. The thing was that Lauren and I weren't really that close. We worked together before in summer camps but not so closely and not so well. We sort of had a good distant relationship and that was all. I was afraid that she was going to know everyone and kind of leave me to fend for myself (in a country where I was teaching English to non-speaking children) so I was pretty apprehensive.

Thing was that because of this experience, Lauren and I became insanely close and now is one of my very best friends. The whole two weeks were spent, laughing, talking, joking around (there was some work in there somewhere) and very much talks of how the world works. When you have two weeks together you learn so much about each other and go through so many of the same things that you have no choice but to have a link to each other.

Those moments are so precious and worth remembering and writing about. I just think that with everything going the way it is these days, we want to be able to remember our faith, our love, our compassion towards others. Write about it, preach about it, blog about it, we must have something to always hold on to. We are not so primitive in this day in age when all we think about is taking from another, hurting another, being jealous of what others have. We claim ourselves the most intelligent race and yet we gratify ourselves by beating up another. Rise above this. Be more than this. We can treasure our memories for a lifetime. In the end of your journey on this earth, do we want to recall the memories of long trips cross country over Europe or of hate and bigotry and war? With our last breath, I would hope that we want to say, "I love you" to our family and friends and not, "one day, you too will die!" Think of the message that we need to put out there. Be better than this. It is the only way our country will continue to survive. 

Probation

Well I'm at home today because I was temporarily suspended from work.

WHAT?! You of all people Patrick?!

I know right!

It is absolutely absurd the way my owner has taken control of the situation. Let me explain a little further. I walked into work yesterday with a note in my cubby that said, "Patrick, Move benches, clean sweep floors, clean cubbies!! EVERY NIGHT They Are Disgusting, Gayle." 

Now I am somewhat of a neat freak. Not OCD but pretty close, in my opinion. I like no mess and really at work I'm a little more lax than at home. But I always keep the gym up to par and clean it as best as possibly can. This was a very insulting note to me. Not only that but it was written on a post-it note and shoved in my box. I was angry.

sidenote: I have been putting up with my owner's shit for a while now. I actually date it back to when I asked for a promotion in October. Which she said, we'll talk and never went from there. From that point she has nothing to offer but negativity, snide remarks, and criticism of what I do. Over our last spring break she pulled me aside saying that I'm too sarcastic to the children and she has gotten complaints from parents about it (which is complete bullshit) and Kahla (my other co-worker) would be training our new hire with the overall eye. Everything is wrong when it comes to me. She has also threaten to cut hours, pay and benefits if the work that each gym is doing is not improved. 

So I wrote an extremely watered down note of how I do not appreciate how she regards me in a single post-it note of how everything is my fault here and instead of a team effort it was all on me. I wrote to her and told her if she has a problem with it then she needs to speak to me directly and not through a yellow piece of paper. I expect something a little more from her than this. A face-to-face or even a phone call would be the necessary thing to do not write a note.

My owner then calls me and says that I do not address her like this and that she's taking me off the schedule for the rest of the week to think about things and we'll talk on Monday. Apparently when people stand up to her they are dismissed and punished. Last I checked, freedom of speech was still in our Amendments. And the last I heard, defending yourself wasn't grounds for dismissal. I could be wrong, but I am very angry towards her right now. I think she has completely overacted with everything that has gone on with us and completely forgetting how loyal I have been to her over these last couple of years. I think that she is only thinking of what is happening now without consequence to the future of her company. 

This is the kind of thing that I hate about working there. Nothing is every praised. At least not myself. I might seem like I'm bitching a lot with this post but in all honesty it's a way for me to get out what is going on with me. I have a lot to deal with outside of work and as able as I am to push these outside things from my mind when it comes to work, I still have them going on. Not once has my owner mentioned my soon-to-be baby or even a congratulations. She has not once talked to me or offered any sort of comfort or advice about it. I find this insulting. Had we just started working with each other than I would somewhat understand. But we've had a long history now and it is very cruel of her to just forget about me. I haven't heard a single bit of praise utter out of her mouth in the last 6 months and snippets of them here and there in the last year. Hell, I haven't had a raise in 2 years. I feel that I've pent up a lot of frustration and I guess it kinda exploded in this email but even still, it wasn't rude or even condescending. For her to even try and label this as an attack or insult is way beyond anything that I was trying to accomplish and I'm sick and tired of trying to be polite with her. I want this resolved. Now.

BEER

So I make beer.

Most of you know this by now but for those of you who don't I do. And it's pretty awesome. Making beer has been a hobby of mine for a little over a year now. I got started with the Mr. Beer collection which is a great great device. I recommend it to all you new brewer's out there! It's easy and really makes decent beer. The one draw back is that there is a lot of head! My friend Julia had said once that Mr. Beer really is the champagne of beers because of how much head is produced. But seriously, good beer.

After a couple months with that thing I decided to really go for the real home brewers stuff and buy some serious equipment. SO I got the glass carboy and the ale pail and the cleaners and the kits and now I'm a brewing machine!! It is so fantastic to make and figuring out recipes and stuff like that is a lot of fun. People say that bottle capping your beer is one of the biggest pains, which I completely agree. It's about 30-40 minutes of pouring the stuff into your bottles and then capping them which is boring. There's nothing exciting about doing it. I don't complain about it because it's like anything else that you do in the kitchen. THe end result is yours! YOu just made some really good beer and you're bottling YOUR brew. I think that excitement in itself is worth those 30-40 minutes of bottling.

The reason why I'm writing this is that I just made a really great Smoked Porter and I wanted to share the recipe with everyone that actually reads this, which I doubt is very many. I hope one day I will have a following on here but for right now, those 3 people, you are my biggest fans! This porter had a very rich flavor and a definite taste of something grilled on a woodfire oven! The one thing I definitely recommend is to put NO more than the specific amount of liquid smoke in your brew. It seems like very little but it's a strong pungent smell that will overpower your brew if you use it too much! ENjoy. I'm making a Peach beer (which I'll lie and say it's a Apricot. who can taste the difference?!) and then the Next step for me, is all-grains!

Malt extract: 6lbs Northwestern dark extract

Specialty grain: 1lb 40-L crystal malt

Bittering hops: 2oz Northern Brewer (60 min)

Flavoring hops: 1 oz Fuggles (15 min)

Yeast: Wyeast #1028

Flavor ingredient: 1 ox Wright's liquid smoke

Primary: 6 days at 65 degrees ( I actually did 12 days in one fermentor just because I only have one!)

starting gravity: 1.045

finishing gravity: 1.012

Now just for those newbies out there, your starting and ending can be completely different from mine. ONly go with what you know! But average that gravity out at least 35% from the beginning. if it's not there you probably need to wait!

useless

I am typing on a keyboard where the spacebar squeaks! Haha, quite interesting.

I really didn't have a whole lot to talk about but I figure I would write something to make my blog updated. I think that a lot of people just write and go absolutely nowhere which is why it's so hard to read a lot of crap that is out there. But I figured that this would be one of those entries and if anyone is actually reading this then I would say wait for the next entry!

expecting

so for those of you who haven't heard, i'm having a child. yippee!!

"what the hell patrick?! you, of all people are going to be a father?! "

yes yes, i know, do I seem like the one person in the world who is mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being a father? I guess it's time to grow up! I will say that it is incredibly exciting to get ready for this thing. From choosing what clothes he'll wear (oh yeah, I'm having a boy!) to where we're going to live, to what we're going to name him, it's really getting me excited! 

I guess I had a little freak out moment a couple of days ago. I was leading this birthday party and this child kept saying, "let's do that again!" over and over. And I began to think, how did he learn what again means? did he learn it at school or was it something that he picked up as he was growing up? I have to teach my baby all of these things! I have to be in charge of making sure he has the best education. From fractions, to ABCs to Obama, there are so many things in this world that I have to teach my little one about. Am I going to be able to do that for him? I don't want him to get into kindergarden and be low functioning just because dad didn't teach him properly!! So I guess I got really freaked out about all of that. But Alice calmed me down and I stopped worrying about it all.

I just realize how much responsibility a parent has. Not just with keeping them fed and warm but entertaining it, cleaning it, holding it, loving it, educating it. There's just so much and there's probably even more that I'm not even thinking about. If you keep thinking this way it's enough overwhelm you!

I guess most men have those thoughts of how ready they are to be a father and I am definitely in that bracket. I guess in all honesty I'm pretty much ready to do this and I'm not 100% sure if having a baby has truly hit me yet. I think that I'm still floating on the idea that this is someone else's child. From what I've read about it, most men do not feel like a true father until they are in the delivery room and see their child born. And once he's in your arms, life suddenly becomes very real to them! So I guess we'll have to wait and see if that's me!

gold

Okay, so this blog might seem like a little misleading. I didn't actually win gold here but as one runner said, we're in it to finish! And that to me seems like a gold winner!

What the hell am I talking about?

Oh that's right, I ran a half marathon on Sunday! Wowee. I seriously thought that my time on this planet was up. I sat inside my parents RV the night before eating a delicious bowtie pasta with vodka sauce and lemon soaked chicken with green beans and I thought, "this is my last meal." Why wouldn't something so delicious be considered the last good thing a person should eat? And so I got a little sad thinking about everything I've known and everything that has happened to me and I decided to go to bed around 8:30. I figured, why not have a good night sleep before you die as well?

Come race day, I'm up at 5:30 in the morning and we're driving to the event and it is DARK! and we're there (we're being my parents and I) and my parents drop me off to park while I walk around seeing all of these people just stretching or walking along laughing or jogging to warm up. And here was me, looking around feeling overwhelmed with Nike trackpants, an England pullover that I got from Walmart and my body armor shirt underneath. Attached to my feet are my 3 year old Addidas running shoes that are well worn and would not survive the end of this trip! I felt very out of place. All these people and yet I still felt like the lone stranger from out of town.

I will say the good thing about running is, no matter how nervous you feel, no matter how scared you are, you really can't screw it up. You don't have to worry about messing up your lines or forgetting what to say to a huge crowd or if your fly is zipped. You just start running. And that's exactly what happened with me. I just started running. And as lame as this sounds, once I started, everything else fell behind. My fears, my anxieties, my stress. I just ran and let everything else take control. And it felt really really good! I decided to pace myself fairly early. No flashy start or strong sprint in the beginning. I was going to take it slow and keep it slow during the whole thing. My initial strategy was the start slow and go for probably around 5 miles and then stop.

Let me interject something really quickly. Up until this event the farthest I had run was 5 miles and that was with a stop in there. The longest I had run was probably 3.2 miles which is right at a 5K standard. And we're back in.

So I was running and there was a crowd all around us cheering us on. And I could feel the adrenline surging through me and I just wanted to sprint with the vigor I had. But I kept it cool, keeping even pace with the person in front of me. This became a habit that I continued to follow throughout the race. Match speed with someone in front of you that is going the speed you'd like to go and just keep following them. Before I knew it, 1 mile had come up. Then 2 then 3 and before I knew it I was up to mile 5 without feeling tired! I was elated so I kept pushing myself. And I'm thinking, "okay, after 6 I might take a break" but I'm running and I am not seeing mile marker 6. And I'm worried that I'm getting slower and the run is getting longer and I'm getting more and more tired. THen, in the distance I see that beautiful green marker sign they've laid out for the runners. And I'm so excited that I have reached 6 miles without stopping! And we get up to it and it says mile 7!! And now, I'm like why not hit 8?! So I keep on running.

About this time my feet start to cramp up and my blister pain has finally caught up to me. So, after mile 8 I figure it might be time to slow down and consider walking a bit. So I slow down and when I do, every other pain in my legs, shoulders and shins catch up to me. My tiredness catches up to me. I drain fast! So I have to keep running to be ahead of all of this. I jog some more but it's too late. I feel the pain. So I grab some water, make a quick bathroom break and jog a little more. I get to mile 9 and I figure I should walk a little bit. Clear my soreness and then when I get to mile 10 I can finish strong! At that moment that I decide to take it slow and walk, this big fat boy runs by me. And he's not going very fast but he's moving and he's determined to finish this thing. That's when it hits me: I will not be beaten by a fat boy! So I have to start running again.

Throughout the rest of this journey I had to stop here and there because my side cramps create such a pain that I cannot ignore them, although everyone tells me to run through it, it's something that I've never been able to do. But in the end I get to the last .3 miles and I'm struggling with foot pains, blisters and side cramps I start getting cold. When I push myself to go faster I get even colder and I seriously thought I was going to go into shock. My body hadn't been pushed this far in such a long time I seriously was afraid I was going to pass out on the street! So I had to take it very slow just to make sure nothing would happen. And then I saw the finish line. And I was physically forcing myself to run the last .1 mile. If it was a cartoon, you would see a giant hand reaching down, grabbing my shirt, and dragging me to the end. But I ignored all pain in every place that was growing on my body and I pushed those last few steps and crossed that finish line! With a finishing time of 2:31:27. I was so very very excited!

I would like to say this was the most intense thing I've ever done in my life but surprisingly, it was really easy and while I still have a few injuries that I'm recovering from, I'm glad I did it and proud of myself. It was a really good experience and I'm seriously thinking about doing it again. Who'd thunk?

Oh, and I did beat that fat boy.

anew

Hello to all!

Now I am definitely not new in the blogging community but my old site was pretty lame and I haven't had much writing in there. In fact I pretty much had left it to start blogging in My Space. But I'm never on My Space and it's pretty much a waste of time for me that I felt that I needed a fresh start with a new setting. Enter Blogger. Plus that Frank Warren guy uses this site so it's gotta be pretty good. 

Anyway, I'm just starting back into this whole writing thing that I don't have a whole lot to talk about so I'm going to keep this short. But I'm thinking very soon I'll have much more to talk about because I do like writing and I like giving my opinion even if others don't care to hear it. That's all.

p.s. I will usually title each blog with one word. I think it makes a bolder statement and they do that when titling Smallville episodes and anyone who knows me, knows I'm huge loser when it comes to that show!