Adding to Pinterest

So, I don't really have anything to write about. You would think after almost 2 years of not writing stuff that I would. But in all honesty, I just wanted to add my wedding invite to pinterest and I needed a place to do that. So I'm posting it here! Yahoo. I was pretty proud of my wedding invite (I created it) so I wanted to share it. That's all. Hope you like it!

daddy's girl

I absolutely have to be careful what I write on these blogs these days because A. my mother always checks this thing (especially since she got an iphone and can link these posts up to some fancy schmancy app that she has) and B. as each day goes through with my Master's program, they keep talking about privacy and making your personal life just that. And while i've been recommended making this blog a private thing, I wish to share my opininons and hilarious idioms with the world for all to read. I hope these new regulations that have been put in place don't censor me too much as I love writing and being myself on here. I guess only time will tell.

I really just feel like writing at the moment and I can't really offer too much updated information. My daughter is almost 5 months old. I can't believe it! She's getting so big and so gorgeous so fast! On the other hand, she was born a week before my MAT program started and her 1st birthday I believe will be the day I graduate. So as exciting as it is to say that she's 5 months old, it only reminds me that I have 7 more months of this program left! It really isn't that bad and I'm actually learning a lot more than I ever thought I would. For an education program where everything under the world about teaching is thrust into you for a 7 hour day, you would think it would be difficult to retain a lot of this information. My professor's have really learned how to jam it into you so that you only forget 2/5s of it so I'm guessing that's something! taking notes helps.

Yes, my daughter is amazing. I was sharing this little revelation with Alice the other day. I feel really guilty about my daughter's birth. I always wanted a girl. I love having a son and he is the greatest child in the world (although apparently Frederick's Child doesn't deem him worthy enough to appear on their front cover but whatever!) I just always imagined having a little daddy's girl and just being wrapped around her finger blah blah. I was very pumped to have my son born but it took me so long to connect with him. I think 3 weeks into his life I actually felt like I was his dad and probably another month or two before I felt like my life was completely changing. I really don't know how else to describe it other than, I wasn't carrying a fetus inside of me for 9 months so it felt weird to all of a sudden be in charge of this little being. I saying to Alice that I feel extremely guilty because when my daughter arrived, I felt like a first time dad; as if my life truly began because this is what I was waiting for all my life. I had to force tears out when Sam arrived and I had to force tears to stop when Alex was born. And I just felt guilty that I wasn't the parent I should've been when he was brought into this world.

I guess it's something that a lot of father's deal with and I know I'm not responsible for how I feel, yet, I just felt guilty that on some unconscious level, having a boy wasn't something I wanted and I was showing off my selfish side by not emotionally connecting to him. (I promise I don't feel that way now!) But maybe i did some growing up from Sam to Alex. I can't explain it. I can explain that these two children influences my very existence and I know I will never let any harm come to them. I have learned a lot about my son and I feel as though I've taught him a lot. That sort of time took practice, patience and practice again! I had to learn how to be a father with Sam. Alex on the other hand, well I felt like I was an old pro here and everything she does is perfect. I feel biased on a lot of levels (totally understand my parents saying that they love both my sister and I equally but for different reasons now) and I'm pretty sure that when it comes time to answer the age-old question, "who do you love more?" I'll probably have to answer it, "I will give my love to whomever wins the cage match."

I'm rambling a lot here tonight about guilt and non-guilty items, I just want to make it clear that I love my children and they mean everything to me. I got my daddy's girl and my daddy's boy and I can't complain ever again. What am I going to do when I get another daddy's girl? Kidding Mom!

it'll be a boy.

2011 SUCKS!

For blogging that is.

a little writing to take the edge off...

i have a few minutes to write a bit. a lot has happened since the last time i posted, mainly, my daughter was born! Alexana Colleen Bredland was born May 12th at 8:40am coming in at 6lbs, 15oz, 19 inches and gorgeous. She is about to be 3 months old and she is absolutely beautiful. Her personality is showing a lot quicker than Sam. I wonder if Sam's personality developed slower because Alice and I had absolutely no idea what we were doing and he kept quiet because we were bumbling around so much? With Alex, she seems to know that we are slightly more comfortable so she can cry and laugh without worry that she's doing something wrong? Who knows, but she is definitely something special. She has demands (such as, don't ever put me down!) and she laughs, coos and smiles something fierce.

I started grad school at the end of May. It has been incredible. If anyone knows me, undergrad was not my forte. Sure, i had tons of fun and really made some good friends, but i was not a studious student. In fact, I spent a lot of time making up every excuse under the sun to get out of work! I had different priorities then. I have no more excuses and this time it is full throttle! The other thing that seems to help is that I actually enjoy my classes! That was a big thing back then too; i didn't actually enjoy being in class or spending any time actually listening to the professors talk. I was there because I had to be. Now, I chose to go back to school and I chose the profession. This time it's different and it feels really good!

Between school, kids and occasional work, my life has been hectic. I swear I will try to write more but for all of you reader, maybe you will enjoy some pictures to forget how long it has been since I've written on here (and for how short this post is!)

TTFN.

 

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Moby wraps are the hot new item! Well they're not that new but they are awesome! This is coming from a dad (and the product is targeted towards women so that should tell you how great it is!) They are so much more comfortable than a Bjorn or any other carrier. They stretch and they accommodate much more than any other product out there. The only issue I've had is the amount of time it takes to set up with it. It's basically a really long piece of fabric that you have to wrap around your body each time. That can take a lot longer (especially if you mess it up!) so that can be a negative. But once you get the hang of it, it's really comfortable to wear for both the child and the parent. I recommend getting them and if you're in the Frederick area, look at Enkore Kids, a consignment store in Boonsboro, because they tend to get them in stock and they're a better price.

don't be fooled by the rocks that I got...

have you ever felt alone? Alone in a way where you were miles from your family, friends and people who knew your name? Where the only friends you had were Joey, Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe? Alone enough to muster up the courage to go to the movies by yourself. Alone as in the first person you met you jumped at the chance of being friends with (no matter their unchecked baggage you failed to examine before conversing). You really felt like an unknown element (science final exam studying!) and if you dropped off the face of the planet, not a soul would realize you were gone.

When I look back, i am extremely grateful that isn't my life. Not that I was depressed, I was just lonely. I had no one to hang out with. I lived in the attic of some house talking to no one. Facebook was just realizing its potential; My Space was getting really big and other than that, I watched Friends episodes from season one to season ten and back again everyday. I worked a graveyard shift so I was always sleeping during the day and when drinking time started I had to go to work! I mean, I really had nothing. I was completely alone.

I can 200% say that I am so happy my life is loud and excited now. I don't get a moments peace and for the time being, I really enjoy that. Back then I remember thinking how great it was to have peace and quiet and really just enjoy my thoughts and the music from my 15" powerbook. I actually had a sweet sound system too that I could fill the apartment with until my bitchy neighbors below me raised a fit about it! I just remember thinking that this was what life was all about and i was finally an adult!


Then I grew up.

I learned that life isn't about being independent and away from things that you love in hopes of being a man. Life is about experiencing new things, learning new things and wanting new things. When life throws you lemons, you make a f'n filet Mignon because that's what it's about! trying something new! I also learned that you gotta stick true to JLo's "Jenny On the Block." Remembering where you came from, not to humble you but to remember that your life should only get better. If it's not, change it! Life should continue to give us more and more and when we aren't getting anything out of it, we need to change paths. Reach out for new adventures. We should always strive to experience new sensations.

that is why i continue to remember Maine. it reminds me of how much better my life is now. My son (and soon to be daughter) and my soon to be wife have all enriched my life. A life i never would have if I stayed up there. I wonder if I would still be alone? It doesn't even matter to me because I am not alone. My life is full of flavor and I want to always add more so that it's never dull. So yes, I know what it's like to be alone and I also know that I will never experience that feeling again.

Fashion Show! Fashion Show at Work!

Okay, I lied. This has nothing to do with a fashion show. Other than showing off our fashion of being trendy in our store selection in Frederick!
I will say this once:  

WE NEED AN IKEA! 

Besides being tired of driving over an hour to get to one, I think it would definitely boost our economy and job opportunity. Please, let's convince DLC Management Corp to tear down that god forsaken building that's called Frederick Towne Mall and put something useful and profitable!
Here's the link to make a difference:

http://www.change.org/petitions/put-an-ikea-in-frederick-maryland

and yes, this is important! Be the change!

(i photoshoped an IKEA where the mall used to be. This is not an actual photo!)

putting the y in try.

I am trying here. I am trying to be a good father. I am trying to be a good fiance. I am trying to be a good student. I am trying to be a good neighbor. I am trying to be a good person. Lately, i have felt that the weight of everything that I am supposed to be trying in has gotten heavier and my strength is failing. I guess trying too much just leads to being more tired. Even after all of my trying I still don't feel so accomplished. I guess I am waiting for that moment in my life where I hear, "hey! you're trying really well and I appreciate you." Appreciation. What a nice thing to have. Sometimes i lose sight of that. Sometimes i don't feel appreciated at all. I miss the days when I would lead a birthday party and I would have parents coming up to tell me how special I made this day for their child. I would have parents of the parent's child's friends (yep, i just did that!) come up and say how amazing I am with the kids. Those days have gone. To be more specific, the appreciation for their appreciation is gone. I don't feel satisfied after running a successful party. I don't feel accomplished or even appreciated. All I feel is irritation and annoyance for having to work a child's birthday party on a Sunday.

I am trying not to be negative. There I go again with the word try. Try this and try that. I feel like I just try all day. I would like to change it from try to succeed. I succeeded in not being negative. I succeeded as a father today. I succeeded in being a good fiance. You can see how this pattern continues. I just want accomplishment in my life and I want to share it with everyone around me. I think if I get through this Masters program I will introduce myself as, "Hi I'm Patrick, graduate of Frostburg State University's Masters of Arts in Teaching." What a long sentence! I can add that to the others: I succeeded in being a father. I succeeded in getting married. Success is evidence of trying and I would like to be able to say I did that.

Why try? Why put in all of this effort and see nothing for it. I am just starting down a long road called fatherhood and I love my son very much but it is a difficult road. It is a road where tough choices are being made and a sense of maturity is expected in order to be a good role model. I have to be a person who watches out for someone, feeds them, hugs them, disciplines them, loves them, bathes them, laughs with them, cries with them, and ultimately be there for them. It's a lot of pressure to make sure you do a good job. It's actually enough pressure to make you take two Advil to relieve your migraine that begins when you start thinking about all of this. Trying is something that I guess I just have to do. And whether a good or bad outcome is the end result, I have no choice but to give it my best and hope for the best.

Perhaps I am missing something. Perhaps it is not just the beginning and then the end that matter. Everything in between can be a very long journey if you don't have something to award it with. Perhaps I am missing the steps that take you from trying to success. Perhaps I need something to recognize what I am going through. A checklist if you will. Something that offers these little success from the first step of trying to the last step of success. With these little steps maybe then I won't feel like I am wasting my time or why I am doing this. Perhaps this little success steps will help me get to the end on a more positive note. To reiterate, I don't feel like trying is a bad thing, I just feel so overwhelmed with everything I have to try in, that I am seeing more obstacles than opportunity. Maybe that is what I need to focus on: acknowledging the steps of my effort and celebrating it. Maybe that is what I need to feel better about who I am and what I am doing in this world.

Or maybe I just need to grow up.

without effort.

I really feel bad about not writing much these days but I lack words. I'm trying to think of something really insightful but I keep coming up blank. I guess I am just sort of writing words that jump from my brain to my fingers and forming sentences. Not even good sentences. That was one right there. And that was another one. Okay, I'm done.
Buy Adele's new album.

if it's collaborative why i am i writing this all by myself?!

Okay, so I haven't written this in a while but I have a really good excuse! I have been writing up the wahzoo for my intro portofolio to get into the Master's of Arts in Teaching program at Frostburg and I have been pouring my soul out so that they know how right I am for this program. I figured while I was writing about how my dedication to the field of education is a collaborative bridge builder i would share what i wrote with you all. I hope this also gives an insight to how much work this thing is taking and it's only the intro. THE INTRO! All this work and I might not even get into this program. However, I hope this small taste of what you read will be enough to get my foot into that proverbial front door.

In this portion i have to explain a life experience that is collaborative. I have chosen to write about raising Sam. Sounds like something two people would have to collaborate on right?! Well here we go!

I want to spend this portion describing my biggest accomplishment and share with you how it has helped me grow as a teacher and as a man. To do this I need to give you a little history of how it all started.

My fiancé and I met in Boston in the summer of 2008 for a conference. If there was such as a thing as love at first sight then we definitely met that cliché. We both worked for the same owner of My Gym (I was assistant director in Columbia, Maryland and she was Co-director in Frederick) and yet for the past 2 years that we had worked for our owner, never once did we meet. I’m sure there are a million reasons why she never introduced us (it never crossed her mind, we lived in different cities, she didn’t like us that much, etc.) whatever the reasons were, it was a true shame because the two of us are incredibly similar. Needless to say, when we met at the airport for the first time to fly to Boston, we shook hands and the rest became history. We spent the entire weekend talking about everything under the sun; from My Gym to relationships to addictions, we never ran out of exciting and interesting topics to talk about. We spent most of the conference engaged in our own conversations and to this day I have never met someone as interesting as she.

We fall madly in love so very soon after starting to date that is actually took us by surprise. We thought this would be a casual dating experience and within weeks of meeting, we were driving the 77.15 miles between us every night after work to be with each other. I think at the time it was some sort of romantic fantasy of mine to meet someone and prove my worth by driving the distance and calling that my dragon. It sort of becomes a misty haze when I try to fathom my reasons for why we gave so much to the oil companies during those first couple of months in our relationship. The only thing that I knew was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

On October 24^th, 2008, I heard two words that completely changed my life: it’s positive. I nod my head at this right now as I reminisce the dumb waiter falling down my stomach and my jaw hitting the ground. Actually, reliving it, I’m surprised I didn’t faint. I am going to be a father. I am sure many of us have witnessed that happy occasion where the man and woman hug with tears coming out of their eyes. I promise you that was not us. In fact, I wasn’t even in the same room as my fiancé. We were working when she took the test. After the initial shock wave calmed down and I was able to actually count my pulse, my mind decided to hit me with another shock wave, this one filled with questions: we love each other but how much? I’ve only known this person for three months what if it doesn’t work out? What have I gotten myself into? I’m too young to raise a child and I have this career going on, what do I do? Every fear was racing through our minds. What could we do? So we took a couple of deep breaths, said I love you, hung up the phone and went back to our Halloween parties at our respective gyms and put on a happy and very much needed brave face.

Over the next 9 months, we spent a lot of time learning even more about each other than before. First we had to meet our significant other’s parents and break the news. Well it took a little bit longer than the first meeting but I won’t get into those details. We checked off taking a vacation together on our chimerical list, shared holidays, I even job transferred down to Frederick to live together. We had so much uncertainty going against us the only certainty we had left was that we loved each other enough to try. Our son was born on July 14^th, 2009 and to this day, he is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Raising a child with a person I am just beginning to know is my biggest life experience. And there are plenty of mistakes made on both of our parts and learning to be a father and a mother is an experience itself. We have spent a lot of time talking about what approach we will take in terms of discipline, nurture, nature, even as far as cloth diapers and elimination communication. Both parents involved have opinions and we have worked through our opinions to collaborate on the best choices for our son. I am new at this dad stuff but I do believe that is what being a parent (and a man) is all about. It has been our goal that my fiancé and I have always put first: His well-being is more important than being right. As our son grows I begin to think perhaps our relationship is stronger because of having Sam so fresh into it. Some may claim that can be a downfall and I am sure statistically speaking it is a reasoned risk. For us, it gave us a new chapter to spend countless hours into the night discussing. How would we raise our son? What sports will he play? What will his interests be? Will he have his mother’s beautiful smile and his father’s wit? Will he laugh a lot or cry a lot? These were only the first night’s questions. As I said, we spend a lot of time talking about him.

I know there will be many life experiences that I will encounter, some of which will slap me in the face as soon as I start the MAT program. I believe that raising a child has been a big enough experience to give me confidence that I can handle anything that comes my way. Raising a child is a collaborative activity and I believe that if I can find a way to successfully raise my son, I can find a way to educate another man’s son. I am hoping as time goes on that I will continue to have that sense of accomplishment and hopefully make my son [and fiancé] proud.

A picture is worth 1001 words

This blurb was stolen from my long lost friend Susan. I commented back to her about this and it made me think some more. 

sfck said... "This year I want to take more pictures and actually print them out. I want to take the time to transcribe the feeling I had when I took that picture. There are so many wonderful moments I've captured, and the only reason I can experience the depth of that moment, is through the simple words that were outlined below. Even now, looking through college pictures is getting harder. I am starting to forget people's names and only barely remember their familiar faces. One day I will miss so many things I take for granted right now. I will crave to be standing in the shoes that cover my feet. But when I see this picture and read the words that bring the memory back, I will feel comforted in knowing that I took the time to document it well. This is a high resolution, and it will definitely take a concerted effort, but I'm ready for a new challenge.

The blog will continue to document these journeys."



The passage made me remember how much has gone through my life and how I've treated it like water. It just passes by me and i don't even blink. Even now with my son, how much time has gone by and I've just missed him growing up? While I've been with him every step of the way (including his actual steps!) i just feel as though life has breezed through without realizing I'm here. Sam will be 18 months on Friday and with that realization I start trying to remember what he was like when he was 15 months/12 months/ 6 months/ when he was born. It's like waking up from a foggy dream. You are trying to remember the details but really you can just pick the settings and the surroundings. And that extends past the child raising years. After reading Susan's attempts at remembering faces I look through my old college photos and try to remember these people. I can still remember most of them and remember what we were doing inside the picture. (I think I have a filing cabinet for a memory sometimes because I can be really good about remembering these sort of things!) For me, it isn't about trying to remember who these people are or where I was when the photo was taken. For me, it's about the feelings that I felt when the pictures were taken. How happy I was or how frustrated. Was that photo a lie? Did we try and attempt a Norman Rockwell painting and create this candid shot of everyone there happy and full of life? Or was it the truth. 

As I said in reply to Susan's blog, i think the photo can be a lie. At that moment, I think the essence of who we were was captured but not the correct sequence of events? There is a picture from college of a buddy of mine and I in mid struggle, posing in our wrestler moves. We look like two guys just having a great night and practicing being best friends. An hour before I had stupidly admitted to a girl that I had really deep feelings for her and she shot me down. So this buddy and I went out to a party and proceeded to "forget my troubles." But no one knows that about this picture. It's a cover-up shot, something to make my life look happier than it really is. These pictures shade the truth because when we're older we don't want to remember feeling sad or depressed, rather, we want to remember how much love we had in our lives and how we got something out of it. Something that made living this long worth it.

I look at these photos and I do remember pretty much everyone. There were a couple names who escaped me (but being that I probably have no less than 2 degrees of separation from them, i'm confident I could find out who they are!) Regardless, I'm not too concerned with remembering them. I think sometimes we surround ourselves with people who are in our proximity but not necessarily ones who will bring us higher up in life. Especially in college, your next door neighbor or your roommate was someone you hung out with not because they were going to be your BFF but because they were assigned to you and their availability was convenient. Not to say those relationships don't become strong over the years, but it's not so important to remember these people's names but to hold on to the fact that you know at that moment the picture was taken, you felt happy/sad/curious/relieved whatever the emotion was. at the end of our lives, our feelings are all that really matter and not how many people we befriended on facebook, or how many social gatherings we were at. We practice our emotions all throughout our lives and taking pictures remind us of how easy it is to do it. Enjoy knowing that your practice has paid off and the faces that you can remember are probably for a good reason.




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It should be the voted the best movie of 2010. It was that good! The ideas behind it really make you think and the end was just a great way to wrap it up. DiCaprio really puts his whole self in each of his movies and this was definitely no disappointment! Ellen Page was a great addition and seeing her in a new light away from her Juno days gave her a lot of respect as an actress. I am really impressed that Hollywood is still able to bring out these movies that can make you think, captivate you and touch you. If you want to know more about the plot please let me know!