I absolutely have to be careful what I write on these blogs these days because A. my mother always checks this thing (especially since she got an iphone and can link these posts up to some fancy schmancy app that she has) and B. as each day goes through with my Master's program, they keep talking about privacy and making your personal life just that. And while i've been recommended making this blog a private thing, I wish to share my opininons and hilarious idioms with the world for all to read. I hope these new regulations that have been put in place don't censor me too much as I love writing and being myself on here. I guess only time will tell.
I really just feel like writing at the moment and I can't really offer too much updated information. My daughter is almost 5 months old. I can't believe it! She's getting so big and so gorgeous so fast! On the other hand, she was born a week before my MAT program started and her 1st birthday I believe will be the day I graduate. So as exciting as it is to say that she's 5 months old, it only reminds me that I have 7 more months of this program left! It really isn't that bad and I'm actually learning a lot more than I ever thought I would. For an education program where everything under the world about teaching is thrust into you for a 7 hour day, you would think it would be difficult to retain a lot of this information. My professor's have really learned how to jam it into you so that you only forget 2/5s of it so I'm guessing that's something! taking notes helps.
Yes, my daughter is amazing. I was sharing this little revelation with Alice the other day. I feel really guilty about my daughter's birth. I always wanted a girl. I love having a son and he is the greatest child in the world (although apparently Frederick's Child doesn't deem him worthy enough to appear on their front cover but whatever!) I just always imagined having a little daddy's girl and just being wrapped around her finger blah blah. I was very pumped to have my son born but it took me so long to connect with him. I think 3 weeks into his life I actually felt like I was his dad and probably another month or two before I felt like my life was completely changing. I really don't know how else to describe it other than, I wasn't carrying a fetus inside of me for 9 months so it felt weird to all of a sudden be in charge of this little being. I saying to Alice that I feel extremely guilty because when my daughter arrived, I felt like a first time dad; as if my life truly began because this is what I was waiting for all my life. I had to force tears out when Sam arrived and I had to force tears to stop when Alex was born. And I just felt guilty that I wasn't the parent I should've been when he was brought into this world.
I guess it's something that a lot of father's deal with and I know I'm not responsible for how I feel, yet, I just felt guilty that on some unconscious level, having a boy wasn't something I wanted and I was showing off my selfish side by not emotionally connecting to him. (I promise I don't feel that way now!) But maybe i did some growing up from Sam to Alex. I can't explain it. I can explain that these two children influences my very existence and I know I will never let any harm come to them. I have learned a lot about my son and I feel as though I've taught him a lot. That sort of time took practice, patience and practice again! I had to learn how to be a father with Sam. Alex on the other hand, well I felt like I was an old pro here and everything she does is perfect. I feel biased on a lot of levels (totally understand my parents saying that they love both my sister and I equally but for different reasons now) and I'm pretty sure that when it comes time to answer the age-old question, "who do you love more?" I'll probably have to answer it, "I will give my love to whomever wins the cage match."
I'm rambling a lot here tonight about guilt and non-guilty items, I just want to make it clear that I love my children and they mean everything to me. I got my daddy's girl and my daddy's boy and I can't complain ever again. What am I going to do when I get another daddy's girl? Kidding Mom!
it'll be a boy.
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