Reliving

There are those moments when you kinda stare off and your mind begins to reshape events that happened in your past and all of a sudden you're reliving it. And it's so crystal clear in your mind that you actually feel like you're there. You can smell the air, see the event and actually be a part of your own subconscious. I guess that's what I envision virtual reality like. 

I just had that moment when I can for some reason or other remember the events that took place that day. I was focusing on the day that I said goodbye to a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, unlike those story book's you read about your friend leaving to go fight a war, or search for their soul, or dying in some epic moment, this was a friend who wanted nothing to do with you. It was a "I would like to cut you out of my life" kind of friend. Being on the receiving end of that, it pretty much sucks. I see how it goes through my head, the evil messaging back and forth, the harsh words the anger and frustration I felt after it was through. I guess in some ways I'm still not over it. 

For some reason though, I feel compelled to write to this person and tell them I'm having a baby. I was so shocked at how I had this urge. I just had to confess to this person my deepest darkest secret. I had to come clean, like this friend was my conscience for so long. THey held me accountable for so much and in some ways made me a better person. I just didn't think I owed them a thing. I was pretty sure that everything that we had done together meant we were friends and that's all. I just didn't realize that after all these years, I still wanted them to know about my life. Maybe it was my olive branch in hopes that we can let bygones be bygones. I'm not sure where I was coming from with it but I hope that whatever my intentions, they work in my favor.

I think a lot these days of the person that I've become. More specific, I think of how I became that person. It's still weird for me to say that I'm a man. I feel like a boy a lot of the times. A boy who doesn't have any idea of what is happening in this world, just enjoying the ride. Or a teenager. A stupid teenager who is just learning about drugs, sex, and rock and roll. I can't believe that in a month, I will be in charge of a person. I guess maybe that's why i wanted to write to this old friend. I want a clean slate as a beginning to start this child's life. I want no anger or hate when this boy is entering this world. I want him to come out perfect and because of it, I can't have any more lingering feelings of doubt or sadness or regret. I have to close my previous chapter of my life for good and get ready to start writing the new one. I hope I still can.