Trance

Another thought I had when I was in Chicago.

I was sitting or standing on the pier facing lake Michigan in Chicago. It was a beautiful fall night, a rarity in Chi-Town. Typically at this time you can expect the winds to be living up to the reputation of the windy city (which actually gets it's nickname from the bragging politicians of the 1800s and just so happens that it is in fact very windy!) I'm staring at the dark water and you can't see a single thing out there. It's like staring into the night sky and wondering what's in that huge universe. My thoughts were a little more down to earth. I began to think of my son. And more than just bringing him out here to watch the water or see the hustle be bustle of the greatest city in America! No, I'm thinking about all of the opportunities that I want give him. Trips to the history museum, the Smithsonian, the air and space, new York city, the empire state building, the statue of liberty. And it went from these actual places to just teaching him how to walk, to read, to love. Just teach him what it means to be an American!

And then my mind really exploded!

I could see him right in front of me. I could see this little guy ( who didn't have a face or facial features buy I'm sure he was mine!) running down the pier. He as picking up sticks, boldly walking around with his chest puffed out along the edge with me warning him to be careful. He has his blue jean jacket with his red shirt under and a pair of corduroy pants with his brand new Chicago cubs (hey hey whatdya say, the cubs are gonna win today! go cubs!) hat in his head! I could see him trying to skip a round flat rock he found lying in the ground, trying so hard to figure out how to make it jump across the water like his dad did.

I could see him next to me as were leaning in the guard rail staring out at absolutely nothing asking a hundred questions about boats, water, and god knows what else.

Reflect

This actually happened a couple weeks ago when I was in Chicago.

I get these random dad moments.

Like this past weekend I'm watching the water (lake Michigan) and I just miss him. I want to see him so bad! I'm tired of just talking about him. I want to hold him, I want to make him smile, I want to feed him change him and cuddle him. I miss my family. That was the other thing. I'm a family man now! Holy cow, every decision I make and do has to be run through the family! I have responsibilities' my friend mike brought up a good point: I don't feel old. I feel like I stoops growing and the rest of the world kept going. I hit 22 and that's all. I didn't get any older an yet here are these children that are like 19 now! What the hell? My campers from the first year I was a camp counselor are applying to college! When did that happen?! I mean, weren't they just finishing up their first summer like me? I guess when you get older your life sort of tapers off. I don't mean you have nothing to look forward to, quite the opposite! But time becomes so much more routine and you're not rushed to learn how to drive, buy cigarettes, vote, get into a bar, you rally have it all. And at that point there are less and less milestones to go. You become so drone like in your routine in life that it completely catches you off guard when you realize you are having a child and then BAM! He's born and then all of a sudden he can smile and then now he can roll over! Oh yes, Sam has learned a new trick!

It's just so crazy how if you were to pay attention to these children you would really see them grow up and know that they go from 10 to 11 to 12 and so on. But as you don't have such contact with them they really go from 10 to 18 so quickly that you have to stop and check to see if 8 years really has gone by! Absolutely absurd.

The point of that tangent, I feel more and more like a dad each day, as I watch Sam grow and how often I think about what is best for him and how I'm going to raise him. I want to make sure that he grows at a progressive age line and not skipping years without me noticing! I just want to make sure I always be active in his life.