Reflection

When do you feel like you are a man?

This is my question for my two readers that I pose for you. Is it, thinking of others, raising a family, turning 18? This big question leads me to ask another one: do I feel like a man?

I know there are jokes you all are either making out loud or in your heads, hah hah hah! But seriously, when I look in the mirror do I see a man or a young adult? I know you can't answer that question but for me, I don't see or feel myself in any sort of adult "man" role. I don't know if it's the job that I do, acting like I'm 5 all day (i love my job!) Or, just the fact that i see my parents on a regular basis and visualize coming to the kitchen on a Saturday morning and eating the delicious raspberry scones my mother has baked while planning an interesting day in D.C. spent with museums, walks through the Mall or flying a kite right by the Monument. I don't know if it's just as you reach the pinnacle of your teenage years you stop growing and start accepting that you'll only be 5'7 for the rest of your life and you will have a stockier build then that stupid lanky kid playing basketball. It's probably a combination of all of these ideas wrapped into one. For me, when I look at myself in the mirror (first I flex my biceps!.. okay, you didn't need to know that...) and then I think about how I'm not a teenager. I'm not a little guy who depends on his dad to drive him to the movies to meet up with friends. I'm not a boy who plays out in the snow all day and then rushes in for Hot Chocolate with mini-marshmallows that mom has waiting for me (hah, actually Alice still does that for me only it's more shoveling snow then making snowmen!) I'm not the guy who walks the halls of his high school, making plans for the weekend and complaining about Ms. Griffin's lack of English teaching skills (true story). I'm no longer that person. I've grown up.

It sucks.

Okay, being older has a lot of advantages. I don't have a bedtime obviously. I'm writing this at 1:30 in the morning (what's up mom and dad?!) but I have to understand the consequence of staying up. That's the thing as grownups that our grownups forgot to mention. There are a lot more consequences for what we do now and we spend a lot of our lives considering them before we make any final decision. Especially money. Before it was carefree, who needs a savings account?! Life insurance? Really? Me? I'm going to take my chances on not getting into a fatal accident thus deterring me away from the decision to get Health insurance. Now, especially being a dad, everything is about where the money goes. If we get the half off formula then we can put that money away for a really nice private school. School! What's the best school to send your kid? What does an overall education mean? Have you noticed that this paragraph mostly has questions in it? Just did it again. That's the thing about being a parent: you have a million questions! And that's only the ones you yourself have. What happens when your little guy starts asking the really hard questions: why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from? and of course, why was i adopted? Okay, I'm pretty sure most of you won't get that last one, but for my sister and I, it was a good question.

I just need a second or two (by second I mean hour) simply to just breathe and remember that answers come when you're ready for them. I have so many questions and I know that taking it slowly and positively I will find my answers. I just wonder if the kids that I teach or the kids in school see me as a man. I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I have reached that "man" phase. I have reached that stage where people say, "you are your own man, now" and that just freaks me out. Being a man means making the tough choices and being responsible and just facing the truth that is in front of you. I just want to look at that mirror and see myself as the little boy that had his Apple Cinnamon Pop-Tart each morning and then went over to Mrs. Pacifico's and watched Gummie Bears with David before climbing on bus 235 to school. I just want to be that kid that had his ass-kicked in Four Square, 1 on 1 basketball, 2 on 2 basketball and team basketball (looking back on my life, I don't think I've ever been good at basketball! And yet it's all I played). I just want to be that boy who only worried about his grade school crush and getting good grades. As a man, there are so many things you have to deal with before getting to Susie's love note stuck in your locker. Let's tackle each one of those at a time. Then I'll unfold that note and read what it said. I hope one day I can look in the mirror and no longer see that boy. I hope one day I can look in the mirror and officially say, "I am a man".

Maybe when I'm 30.