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I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would take someone else's post and let them write what I'm too lazy too. This guy is my hero.

The Dadler: Balloons schmalloons, give me these 5 things the next time I shop

Posted by Scott Adler in Babies, Dads, Preschoolers, The Dadler, Toddlers | April 20th, 2010 | Trackback

All the hubbub last week about Trader Joe’s bailing on balloons struck me as a bunch of complaining.
 
Well, in the spirit of Dina Freeman’s post about mommy drive-thrus, I’m not going to moan about TJ’s smacking down the one thing that kept me in their store when I had the kids in tow.
 
No. Instead I’m here with solutions.
 
I’m giving market and store owners everywhere five ideas for ensuring that they will never, ever be without mom and dad shoppers in their aisles:
 
1. A checkout lane for child haters
 
Get the childless away from me as I’ve got enough on my hands that I don’t need to deal with folks who are bummed they’re behind my bazillion items and my kid who’s interrupting their reading of Hot Lives of the Childless Magazine to say, “Hi, Hi, Hi,” and “Hi!”
 
2. Spray paint cereal boxes with captains, bunnies, and other cartoon characters black
 
It’s amazing to me that the cigarette-smoking camel has been banned from America’s stores while kids are still being seduced by a green dude peddling high-fructose corn syrup stars and clovers.
 

And while I’m at it – why can’t the “healthy” cereals ditch the earnest, anatomically correct drawings of things like puffins for something more intriguing (like that damn camel) that will actually make my kids want to eat the stuff (we’re battling for minds here, health-food marketers. Cowboy up).
 
3. The baby has just crapped checkout lane
 
Blowouts happen. Escape is necessary.
 
4. Carts outfitted with berry- or O-shaped cereal–filled hamster bottles
 
I’m sick and tired of stuffing unwashed, toxic-laced blueberries into my kids’ mouths at the market.
 
So how about when I walk in I have the option of purchasing a sterile hamster bottle filled with some delightful kid food? This would allow my child to gorge themselves with washed berries or cereal treats.
 
And here’s the thing: With my hands and mind freed from the task of reacting to my needy child, I’d spend more money because I could actually get to all the things on my list. I bet the stores would cover the costs of those hamster bottles in two or three trips - tops.
 
5. Virtual world online shopping
For those online retailers who say we could skip store tantrums, hang-ups, or bodily fluid incidents by clicking to buy, I have this to say: The computer is inside my house.
 
Shopping is a way to break the stir-crazy blues. And when you have a newborn, this break is critical (I recall conversations with the butcher fondly). And even when your baby has grown into a kid, shopping via computer while your child hits return again and again is not fun.
 
But imagine online retailers sending out headsets and goggles that would allow us to, say, select pineapples on the beach at Waikiki or tomatoes atthat little farmer’s market in Tuscany I read about once in Hot Lives of the Childless Magazine? Now that might keep me in the house…
 
Like what you’re reading? Bookmark “The Dadler” and don’t miss a word.
 
Photo: “Shopping cart” by Eden, Janine and Jim

Sporadic

It's the first day of April! Yahoo! Get those practical jokes ready boys and girls. Where are you whoopie cushions, your exploding peanut cans and your fake shit? Today is the day when anything to can happen to anyone and it's a free pass! You can't get mad! I will say that the only exception to this rule is that you can't do anything to anyone that will last longer than today. For instance, you cannot kill someone's rabbit and say, "April Fools!" and then tomorrow say, "that was suppose to be funny." That's the rule. Although, people who murder other people's rabbits are just cruel and deserve to be punished. Let's leave murder off the list for people and animals alike. Unless they're chickens.

That was a very random starting paragraph.

So I've been watching Parenthood. Anyone else? I don't know if it's just 10 time better than it should be because I am a parent, but that show has me shedding some tears (just a couple though, nothing like faucets on and overflowing sink!) but the main dad in this show, Adam, is going through a lot of shit. And this is shit that anyone can deal with. I guess that's the thing about this show that really gets to you. These are real situations and things that could happen to any dad. So far it's been Autism, daughter's boyfriends, family, baseball I mean the list goes on and on. Just seeing him keep it together through all of this has been really inspiring. I hate using that word about a television show. I hate being inspired by something that isn't true. I guess television's goal is to offer a glimpse of how much better we as people could be and let's try harder.

Anyway, it's a good show and start watching it.

A lot of things have been happening around me lately and I would love to jot them all down but I need to collect my thoughts first. Nothing bad but exhausting and I'm ready for a much needed break. I just would like a moment to slow down and relax. I will say that an argument was held last night over this and really had absolutely nothing to do with that link but it did start some word vomit and frustrations. I'm tired and I need to sleep. It just seems that I'm given the chance to sleep at the point when I'm not tired! That right there is a frustrating fact. Why do I get a chance for 8 hours of sleep at 9 o'clock at night? I'm sorry but I haven't done that since I was 10! I would like to go to bed at 11 or 12 o'clock and be able to sleep until 8 the next morning without interruption. I would like to choose the sleep pattern and maybe that will help. I do not want to be dictated when and where I will sleep. I'm rambling again.

Okay brain, calm down.

I will have an actual insightful blog next time.