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I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would take someone else's post and let them write what I'm too lazy too. This guy is my hero.

The Dadler: Balloons schmalloons, give me these 5 things the next time I shop

Posted by Scott Adler in Babies, Dads, Preschoolers, The Dadler, Toddlers | April 20th, 2010 | Trackback

All the hubbub last week about Trader Joe’s bailing on balloons struck me as a bunch of complaining.
 
Well, in the spirit of Dina Freeman’s post about mommy drive-thrus, I’m not going to moan about TJ’s smacking down the one thing that kept me in their store when I had the kids in tow.
 
No. Instead I’m here with solutions.
 
I’m giving market and store owners everywhere five ideas for ensuring that they will never, ever be without mom and dad shoppers in their aisles:
 
1. A checkout lane for child haters
 
Get the childless away from me as I’ve got enough on my hands that I don’t need to deal with folks who are bummed they’re behind my bazillion items and my kid who’s interrupting their reading of Hot Lives of the Childless Magazine to say, “Hi, Hi, Hi,” and “Hi!”
 
2. Spray paint cereal boxes with captains, bunnies, and other cartoon characters black
 
It’s amazing to me that the cigarette-smoking camel has been banned from America’s stores while kids are still being seduced by a green dude peddling high-fructose corn syrup stars and clovers.
 

And while I’m at it – why can’t the “healthy” cereals ditch the earnest, anatomically correct drawings of things like puffins for something more intriguing (like that damn camel) that will actually make my kids want to eat the stuff (we’re battling for minds here, health-food marketers. Cowboy up).
 
3. The baby has just crapped checkout lane
 
Blowouts happen. Escape is necessary.
 
4. Carts outfitted with berry- or O-shaped cereal–filled hamster bottles
 
I’m sick and tired of stuffing unwashed, toxic-laced blueberries into my kids’ mouths at the market.
 
So how about when I walk in I have the option of purchasing a sterile hamster bottle filled with some delightful kid food? This would allow my child to gorge themselves with washed berries or cereal treats.
 
And here’s the thing: With my hands and mind freed from the task of reacting to my needy child, I’d spend more money because I could actually get to all the things on my list. I bet the stores would cover the costs of those hamster bottles in two or three trips - tops.
 
5. Virtual world online shopping
For those online retailers who say we could skip store tantrums, hang-ups, or bodily fluid incidents by clicking to buy, I have this to say: The computer is inside my house.
 
Shopping is a way to break the stir-crazy blues. And when you have a newborn, this break is critical (I recall conversations with the butcher fondly). And even when your baby has grown into a kid, shopping via computer while your child hits return again and again is not fun.
 
But imagine online retailers sending out headsets and goggles that would allow us to, say, select pineapples on the beach at Waikiki or tomatoes atthat little farmer’s market in Tuscany I read about once in Hot Lives of the Childless Magazine? Now that might keep me in the house…
 
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Photo: “Shopping cart” by Eden, Janine and Jim