Recap

A good friend of mine just sent me a top ten list of things that have happened to him and his family in 2009. I thought, damn! what a great idea! So, to completely plagiarize his idea, i'm listing mine. (and I got bored with just black type so I colored it make it more kid friendly.)

10. Starting a chain of events that led me to move to Frederick. It wasn't a pretty couple of weeks and a very close call in keeping my job, but in the end I'm happier than ever. I miss Columbia quite often but Frederick ended up being a happier work environment for me and helped me get out of my funk! (if you're curious to know what happened you can always read the blog from April!)

9. Moving in with Alice. We really began to start our family and our lives together and discovered new things in our relationship. I still remember having nothing in our place but an air mattress and a lamp! And now, we can't move without tripping over all the crap laying around! Also along those lines, becoming a Co-Director with Alice. Another new change in our relationship and work status. Not only did we live together but we worked together as well! We see each other every second of the day. For some it would drive them crazy but for us, it makes us stronger. I don't know what I would do without her.

8. Alice's sister and nieces moving back to the States. What a great way to kickoff the summer! Having those two little girls in my life has certainly enriched it and entertained it! It has been so very cool to meet them, get to know them and spend time with them.

7. Rekindling and keeping in touch with friends. I know it's cheesy but over the last few months, I have really needed to reach out and hold on to all the close friendships I've had and developed. It keeps my sanity sometimes to remember people who care even if they are far away.

6. Chicago. It's always nice to get back in touch with the close friends I have there. Even though I see them once a year, we always pick up right where we left and have some really fun times!

5. New York City. Basically Alice and I's first trip together. She was cold, I was chilly and we had an amazing time. It was an incredible feeling to be in an exciting city with the woman I love and in a city I love!

4. Half Marathon. I took the leap and ran one! It was an incredible feeling to finish one of those.  Just crossing that finish line and seeing everyone cheering for you was a really incredible moment and I loved it.

3. Moving out of Baltimore. I called this place home for 3 years and had a great roommate and I still miss her terribly. It was time to go become a grown up and I left kicking and screaming!

2. Ashley and Fesh's wedding. Another great time to spend with family and friends. Although getting licked by a tall man was something I don't really want to repeat anytime soon! And of course it brought Alice and I closer together.

1. Sam. I'm sure you all guessed that much! But seriously, he was the biggest joy to my life. He is everything a father could want from a son. Walking into the room and having him show off the biggest smile is a feeling that is indescribable. Having him is a joy that only being a parent can you truly understand. I still cannot believe that he's all mine (and Alice's) and I get the honor of raising him.

Something about looking back on all of the things that have happened over the year just makes you wonder what you'll change and what you'll struggle to keep the same. I know there's a lot of things going on right now with our economy, health plans, war, housing, taxes etc. but I am enjoying everything that has been happening. 


It has been one hellva ride this year and for me, I've got a pretty good seat belt. 


I just hope that life will continue to escalade and not plateau because I like to think I have plenty more thrills coming along. I wish you all the very best holidays (Unless you're Jewish and your holiday is over in which case I say, hope it was a good one!) and a Happy and Healthy New Year. Auld Lang Syne and that. Make the resolutions or break them but bring in that New Year with joy and love. As always, I hope to hear from you all on everything that is going on. You know how I like those updates!

Presents

What the hell do you give a 5 month old on his first Christmas? What traditions do you set? These are my questions. I have no idea how to celebrate this holiday any more! I need help! I'm freaking out on what are the best ideas for his first Christmas and he is more concerned about what happened to his bottle! Honestly. But I feel like holding this huge party in his honor! This is a big moment for him even if he doesn't realize it! This is one of the biggest holidays in our culture and being its his first, I should do something. Maybe dress up as Santa, drink egg nog, climb down a chimney?! I just am so excited about celebrating this wonderful time with him I can't think straight!

Art

Finally! After months upon months of waiting to give this wedding present to Matt and Meg, FINALLY! I've given it to them. Which means that I can finally post the picture on my blog without worrying if they'll see it before I give it to them. I think they liked it. I hope they did.

Let me know what you think. If you like it definitely let me know! If you don't like it well screw you! It took a while! Just kidding, I always welcome constructive criticism. Hah, I don't. I hate it. Just write that you think it sucks and we can go about our day. While I plot your demise.

THANKS!

Dadler

I think Dadler is some sort of magazine or online thing, totally checking it out if it is, but there are rules for mom's and dad's that I find hilarious and so very true. I'm sure some of you can relate to this and I just want you all to know that I did NOT create this list!

The Dadler: 10 Rules for slamming other parents

Posted by Scott Adler in Babies, Children and happiness, Dads, Parenting, Preschoolers,The Dadler, Toddlers | December 16th, 2009 | Trackback

Parks can be dens of judgment

I don’t care how understanding and open-minded you are, part of the pride of parenting is leaning back and absolutely trashing the other parents in the world, even your best friends.

Of course, parents do this bashing – myself included – because the arrival of the baby revealed the stark and simple truth that as a parent – myself included – you have zero clue except for the blasting, north-star knowledge that parenting is really, really hard and that, well, you’re incompetent at it.

So like any good person stuck between a rock and hard place you go on the offensive. Assaulting the lack of values, talents, skills, and patience in those other moms and dads makes you feel better — at least until you get slammed.

And that’s where these rules come in. It’s just not fair for some people to make judgments – unless they can.

You can print these out and hand them to other parents and people you think might be judgmental…

Rule #1:
If you have no children (especially if you have no children and are over 56 years of age), keep your trap shut.

Rule #2:
If you are a childless teacher, please, only call me a rat-bastard after you’ve spent a snowy 24/7 schooless week trapped with your two students that are my spawn.

Rule #3:
Got just one kid and I’ve got two? Then stow it sister until you too can name the pleasures of two kids pooping at the same time … at the park.

Rule #4:
If your kid slept through the night from birth, please don’t share your technique.

Rule #5:
If you have three kids and have it all down, don’t pooh pooh a first-time parent’s neuroses. You once agonized about nipple shapes and nap schedules too.

Rule #6:
Got a newborn who has yet to do anything but poop and eat? Don’t dare telling me I’m bad for at least another 16 to 18 months (seriously, don’t even think about it).

Rule #7:
If your parents live next door and watch your kids when they’re sick, help with homework, and cook dinner, you’re not allowed to give me the evil eye when I don’t volunteer to co-chair the preschool auction. I’m already doing it all!*

Rule #8:
Angelic toddler who says, “Please” and doesn’t destroy anything? Please remember that most kids who are wild turn into lovely teenagers and most sweet, angelic toddlers wind up hellions during high school. Or at least I’ve been told.

Rule #9:
If you can quote Alfie Kohn, Harvey Karp, any Dr. Sears, Ferber, Ayelet Waldman, Neal Pollack, or Elizabeth Pantley, good for you. If I want to drink the Kool-Aid, I’ll let you know.

Rule #10:
If you’ve got two grown kids who were troublesome toddlers and yet still love you and are in great colleges, please, tell me the secret.

So, am I missing anything? Let me know.

*Thanks to Amy Graff of San Francisco Chronicle’s “The Mommy Files” for reminding me about this very important rule.

Like what you’re reading? Bookmark “The Dadler” and don’t miss a word.

Photo: “Swing!” by Gabriel Rocha

Trance

Another thought I had when I was in Chicago.

I was sitting or standing on the pier facing lake Michigan in Chicago. It was a beautiful fall night, a rarity in Chi-Town. Typically at this time you can expect the winds to be living up to the reputation of the windy city (which actually gets it's nickname from the bragging politicians of the 1800s and just so happens that it is in fact very windy!) I'm staring at the dark water and you can't see a single thing out there. It's like staring into the night sky and wondering what's in that huge universe. My thoughts were a little more down to earth. I began to think of my son. And more than just bringing him out here to watch the water or see the hustle be bustle of the greatest city in America! No, I'm thinking about all of the opportunities that I want give him. Trips to the history museum, the Smithsonian, the air and space, new York city, the empire state building, the statue of liberty. And it went from these actual places to just teaching him how to walk, to read, to love. Just teach him what it means to be an American!

And then my mind really exploded!

I could see him right in front of me. I could see this little guy ( who didn't have a face or facial features buy I'm sure he was mine!) running down the pier. He as picking up sticks, boldly walking around with his chest puffed out along the edge with me warning him to be careful. He has his blue jean jacket with his red shirt under and a pair of corduroy pants with his brand new Chicago cubs (hey hey whatdya say, the cubs are gonna win today! go cubs!) hat in his head! I could see him trying to skip a round flat rock he found lying in the ground, trying so hard to figure out how to make it jump across the water like his dad did.

I could see him next to me as were leaning in the guard rail staring out at absolutely nothing asking a hundred questions about boats, water, and god knows what else.

Reflect

This actually happened a couple weeks ago when I was in Chicago.

I get these random dad moments.

Like this past weekend I'm watching the water (lake Michigan) and I just miss him. I want to see him so bad! I'm tired of just talking about him. I want to hold him, I want to make him smile, I want to feed him change him and cuddle him. I miss my family. That was the other thing. I'm a family man now! Holy cow, every decision I make and do has to be run through the family! I have responsibilities' my friend mike brought up a good point: I don't feel old. I feel like I stoops growing and the rest of the world kept going. I hit 22 and that's all. I didn't get any older an yet here are these children that are like 19 now! What the hell? My campers from the first year I was a camp counselor are applying to college! When did that happen?! I mean, weren't they just finishing up their first summer like me? I guess when you get older your life sort of tapers off. I don't mean you have nothing to look forward to, quite the opposite! But time becomes so much more routine and you're not rushed to learn how to drive, buy cigarettes, vote, get into a bar, you rally have it all. And at that point there are less and less milestones to go. You become so drone like in your routine in life that it completely catches you off guard when you realize you are having a child and then BAM! He's born and then all of a sudden he can smile and then now he can roll over! Oh yes, Sam has learned a new trick!

It's just so crazy how if you were to pay attention to these children you would really see them grow up and know that they go from 10 to 11 to 12 and so on. But as you don't have such contact with them they really go from 10 to 18 so quickly that you have to stop and check to see if 8 years really has gone by! Absolutely absurd.

The point of that tangent, I feel more and more like a dad each day, as I watch Sam grow and how often I think about what is best for him and how I'm going to raise him. I want to make sure that he grows at a progressive age line and not skipping years without me noticing! I just want to make sure I always be active in his life.

Marathon

So My sister ran in the Marine Corps Marathon this past Sunday. I thought it would be a lot of fun to take Sam down to see her do it. We took the metro and he loved it! No joke, he was standing on my leg peering out the window watching the skyline rush past us. It was incredible. He would bounce up and down and just stare as everything would fall behind us. It was very cool. Took a few pics of it as well. We get to Rosalyn and holy hell! It is pack like no other!

tangent: we were sitting in our seat when a lady sat down next to us and Sam looked at her and smiled. He just kept staring at her and then we get to the metro stop and she gets up. He starts to fuss and he's getting cranky and looks up to see her still looking at him and he stops right away and smiles! Hah, such a ladies man!

Tangent 2: I was telling this story later on that evening to Alice's father and Alice added the comment, "Patrick was like, 'at least we know he's not gay!'" which her mom is, and her dad says, "he gets those lady watching genes from me!" and I said, "to be fair, he could have also gotten them from Alice's mom!" oops! and we're back in.

So yeah, this event was so crowded and we're only down in the subway terminal. We can't move and they're corralling us like cows getting ready to meet our ancestors! My parents had said when they arrived earlier that the escalator's had stopped working. Rosalyn's a good 100 yards straight up by stairs. And with a baby? Wow, this was going to be fun. However, the escalator had been fixed by the time we got there and so Sam and I rode up, single file, to the top and got out. And what was waiting for us?

PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!

To give you an idea of how many people were in this city at this moment, the race had over 30,000 runners. So imagine, each one of them bringing at least 2 family members. Then imagine 2/3rds of them bringing 2 family members and friends. Then imagine 1/2 of those people bringing 2 family members and friends with children. Yeah, it was pretty ridiculous. The nice thing was that you could definitely move. It wasn't like 95 traffic where you're not sure if you're going to move or just sit there. Everyone was on the go. It was such a spectacular event though. People were all around hugging and laughing and cheering. There were bands playing, food vendors, other people selling stuff. Very chaotic but very controlled. A guy who must've been at the finish line was talking through the speakers, interviewing a few people here and there that just finished (I swore I heard him interview my old band director) and calling out people who crossed through the finish line. You could hear stories from some passerby's about how they had someone run with them or talk with just keep them going. A very inspirational time!

I arrived at 12:15ish. I was expecting Colleen to be finished around 12:30 but turns out she didn't finish until 1:30. I had to be back in Frederick by 4:00 so we could pick Alice up and go to her dad's at 4:30 for dinner. It took me 2 hours to get to Rosalyn. So I'm guessing I had to leave by 2. So I literally saw Colleen, gave her a hug, took a picture, told her congrats and goodbye. Just not enough time in my busy life! Sam and I started walking back to the Metro and met a wonderful crowd! And this time, it was like 95 traffic. It was not moving! So we are stuck in this mess and when we slip into the middle of it all, Sam decides that now is the perfect time to scream his little head off! I don't know if he was hungry, tired, tired of being in the bjourn, or scared of being stuck in with all of these people, but these were loud, ear splitting screams! I didn't know what to do! So I did the first thing that popped in my head: I smacked him across the face over and over, until he slumped unconsciously on my chest!

Just kidding!

I left the metro. We sat down and I gave him a bottle to eat which he unenthusiastically ate. I then began to think that he wouldn't handle that crowd and I had no choice but to ride the metro. I figured that if we could walk to the next metro stop then he might be calm enough to enter. Also, there might be less people at that stop. So we started walking.

Foggy Bottom is the next stop. Which is basically 2 miles away. Carrying a baby. And a diaper bag. Awesome. The thing that sucks the most about this part is that walking all that way only got me 1 metro stop up! And the train was still packed! We couldn't sit down and he started to cry again. But I was like, i have no choice here! People are just going to deal with it. At one point I was leaning over to feed him a bottle as he laid in the bjourn to drink. I wasn't about to take him out and set him down or carry him and then have to start trying to get on the train. There weren't a whole lot of options at this point! But once we started to move Sam calmed down a lot. And then when we got on the red line there were less people and a nice lady (who offered Sam a cookie!) let us sit down. The last stop before ours he started to cry so loud that the people sitting in front of me got up and walked to the opposite side to sit down. But as soon as they left he stopped so those people probably smelled bad anyway! Our stop was next and we were home!

And that's the story of how I met your mother. back at frederick. and we were late.

Brake

I need to slow down!!

holy crap! I have been going non-stop lately! All i want to do is reach the end. I stepped back tonight and realized that so much has happened to me lately that I forget to slow down and look at what has been happening. Just take a moment to look at what has happened and enjoy it.

I've been talking to a few people in my past life in the last couple of days and thinking wow, I want to have a few more kids and I want to take them to park. I dream about taking them on a trip and taking a million pictures and having a birthday party for them. Even closer to home, I imagine Sam's first birthday. Even closer to that, I picture him walking and talking. I just can't seem to wait for it! I forget how exciting his life is right now. I get all wrapped in what will happen in the next few years that I lost focus of what he's doing right now. Laughing. And smiling. Just moving about grabbing onto his identity in this crazy world! It's so cool. I'm forgetting that at this moment, it's exciting, it's fun and don't lose it. I know that when I'm older I'll look back at it and just wish I could relive that moment. But then I completely forget about it when I see all of these other children laughing and playing with their friends. I just seem to to get lost in the future that I can't bring myself back to the present. Not only him, but I hear about all these fun trips that my retired friends are taking and I want to do that! I'm not even in a job where I can start planning retirement! But here I am, making plans about what to do and where to go.

STOP!

focus on what is now! just enjoy your life. Thrive in your life. That's the message I find myself repeating over and over to myself to keep it in check. You have a great life and you're missing it! I plan my wedding, my honeymoon, my vacations, my dream job, my retirement. I plan it all. And all I really want to do is calm down, breathe and jump into my current situation. It's great. It's awesome. Relax. It's here for you and you need to get down in it.

I am just feeling so very fast-paced right now. There is just so many possibilities coming my way that I get wrapped up in it. I guess part of it has been that I'm so curious as to what Sam will do when he gets older. Will he be a sports guy? Will he be an artist, a musician, an actor, a model (let's face it, the kid is gorgeous!) or something else? What will it be. Alice and I spend hours on end talking about what talents he'll have and what should we get him involved in. I guess that's the big thing. We plan for his future, not so much direct his life, but what can we expose him to? I know that I want him to experience everything! That thought sweeps me away from the now. And it's time to just stop running and start walking. You see a better view that way. Be the snail. While the rabbit might be the first to take the lead, the turtle did enjoy life a lot more. Hell, the rabbit fell asleep. We get that moral wrong all the time. It's not about slow and steady win the race. It's not about who crosses the finish line first, it's who enjoyed the journey getting there. Slow and steady is a metaphor for people who took time to breathe in their surroundings and thrive in them. I think about that and I realize that I can barely remember the last 3 months of what happened to me. I need to just relax. The things that I'm planning will come. Enjoy the journey of getting there. Don't be so anxious. Laugh. Love. Live.

I just want so much for myself and I'm afraid if I slow down I'll miss that chance. There will be others though right? There will be other trains that come along. I said a month or so ago that I was afraid of saying goodbye to a lot of things. I'm thinking with the way that I'm headed, that I'm passing through so much forgetting to say goodbye. And that's why I'm not ready to let go of it. I've been deprived of saying goodbye because I flew past it without doing that. But taking the time to get there and enjoying it and cherishing it will enable be to say goodbye properly. That's my new goal. Slow down and enjoy what I'm doing with my life. Planning is good. I'm a planner. I'm a futurist. But don't get so wrapped in the future. Don't get so wrapped up in plans that you miss what's right in front of you. Remember that.

That's what I wanted to say.

P.S. Cranberry ale is made. Give it a few more days and then I'll be second fermenting it. Can't wait! Hope it tastes alright. I'll let you know. Again, can't wait! Hurry up beer! Have I really learned anything?

booooring!!

I said I would write some more and that's what I'm doing!

Blogging is a lot like twitter. But I've never seen twitter so I can't compare. Twitter is stupid. And it bothers me that everyone does it. But from the sounds of it, it's retarded and I don't like being retarded. For more info go to http://current.com/items/91075172_twitter-worth-a-billion.htm about retarded it is.

That sentence was retarded.

I really wish I had things to talk about today.

Writing is very uneventful. I'm slowly going back to starting graphic design work. I'm offering freelancing opportunities and then I'm going to pursue some actual jobs. I really need to get my website back up. I should probably figure that out! But I'm just kind of learning what I need to do to survive in this world. I think that was it goes along, I will eventually figure out what I'm trying to accomplish but not right now. Right now, it's time for spending time with my family and raising my son and just being a good dad and boyfriend.

This post sucks! I told all of you to start reading and here I am with super lame-o post!

I am making my cranberry beer today! I'm going to call it Cranberry Hoppin Daddy! haha, but it's going to be a sweet, hoppy tasting beer. I hope it's good. If it is, you know the recipe will be on here! Okay, I'm gonna get ready to do that today and spare all of you from reading anymore. I swear the next post will be interesting.

And more pics!

He's so small in these!

Gimme a kiss!

seriously, are we taking another picture?!

Strive

So I'm slowly deciding on taking a writer's approach to life. I will be trying to write more frequently and more on a concentrated subject: Parenthood. I think that a person in my line of work reach out and let other's know that there are men out there that strive to be a good dad. They strive to make sure they offer the very best for their children. I want to be able to talk more and more about it.

Not only that, I want to enlighten people about being a dad without having the ring on their finger. We look at the country we live in and more than 50% of those people have children without being married. That right there is a sign that there will be many lost people out there who think that no one is there for them. I want to be able to say, "hey, it's okay. I'm here for you" without the pretense of judgement, or arrogance, or even condemnation. We need to feel safe about the choices we make. Sorry, safe is a bad word to use here. I'm not going to be more a conservative but let's admit it. They call it an accident for a reason. We didn't plan on having a child, it was an accident. Let's not blow that word out of proportion! Society takes us to call our child an accident like a sin. We are tarred and feathered for accusing our baby for being born before any martial status has occurred. Condemn us for doing what everyone else is doing! I apologize for engaging in premarital sex and for doing what every person does when they are in a relationship. The only difference between us is I have proof that it happened! Not so much a very fair thing in our lives to do. Life wasn't meant to be fair to anyone (except a few people I've met in life who have it all! Those lucky sons of bitches!) but it has a very distinct way of working out.

I take back what I said earlier. I don't apologize for engaging in premarital sex. It was wonderful and it caused us to have Sam. And for a society that 50% of marriages end in divorce why would we want to go through a bunch of different hoops only to learn that we weren't meant for each other and drag Sam through custody battles and yadda yadda. It works the way we want it to work and we'll go from there. I'm not so naive to think that we're immune to those situations but if we had rushed getting married, I definitely think we would have a lot of stress on our hands right now. As the case, we're doing very well and I'm anxious to talk about it.

So I'm trying to write more and I promise that I will post more on here (more than once a month) but I need to figure out some stronger and more powerful things to talk about than just my day-to-day life. I am going to focus on that. Goal for the week: list things that you see or are interested in talking about and research more. Also, try and record some of your dreams. They are really neat and have good content in there but you forget in the morning. So work on that. Above all, I write my story and no one else. And because I write it, I get to decide what I do or don't. Not a society, not my family, and not the media. My choices and I'm proud of the ones I've made so far. Ears open, mind open, heart open and let's go!

Also, I'm brewing a Cranberry Ale and an Apple Cinnamon beer. I will let you know how they go and then post. Here's a few more shots of Sam.

How cute is he?! Answer: Very cute!

THE FAMILY!!

we look soooo good!

goodbye

There are plenty of things that I look back upon and just reminisce and miss. I realize that a lot of my past was hard for me but I also realize how much of it I enjoyed and how much it meant to me. There are so many memories that flood back to me about Wigwam, High school, College and being single that I keep going over in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now and I love Alice and my baby boy. I just sometimes wish I could relive some of the old days and just remember how it felt to be so carefree and so irresponsible. The thing I worry the most is, will I ever have a chance to be irresponsible again? Will I have that chance to just not give a damn and just do something fun, something spontaneous, something out of the ordinary? And if I do, will I regret it forever? I just don't think that will ever come around again. I don't see it as being a bad thing. But I wonder if I'm at the point of just saying goodbye to a lot of juvenile activities and start being a dad. Start being a role model. I over think a lot of things and this is definitely one of them, I just really think I need to take some time and say goodbye. Goodbye to being a camp counselor and drinking at night with the guys. Goodbye to taking random trips to Chicago, Maine and California. Say goodbye to long sleepless nights and drinking until sunrise and drinking so much coffee you shake for hours! Goodbye to googling over women with your buddy at the bar and hitting on the bartenders. Goodbye to doing whatever you want to do.

Goodbye to being free.

Now if you're judging that last comment please remember that losing your bachelor freedom is not a bad thing. You do lose it. But what have I gained? A family. A new life? Someone who loves me. A child who will idolize me. Yeah, it's not a bad thing to lose it. All I'm saying is that, a lot of these things which I took for granted kind of were ripped away so quickly that I never got to say goodbye. So, if you see me doing something stupid, thinking of dumb things and saying ridiculous words, please remember that I'm taking the time to say goodbye. This is my therapy. Simply to slowly let it all unwind out of me and slowly just let it all sink in that I am a family man. I am a father. I am a boyfriend. I am something that's more than just me. Not a bad thing at all.

So Goodbye freedom. Goodbye single life. Goodbye randomness. Goodbye selfishness. Goodbye irresponsibleness. Goodbye laziness. Goodbye.

I'm waking up to becoming a better human being.

SUCK IT!

Update

Two things are being accomplished in this blog.

1. I'm giving you another beer recipe. I think it's delicious and I actually brewed it to welcome Alice back to the world of beer. Being pregnant and such limited her alcohol intake. I want to make sure I get her back on track! This is a delicious style of American wheat mixed with strawberry flavoring. It's a great summer treat. I recommend that anytime you add a fruit flavor, check with your supplier to see if that fruit will compliment with the other ingredients in the recipe. Fruit flavor is as good as the malts, the hops and the barley it stands next to. Just a recommendation.

2. More baby Sam pics! Thanks to you all who have been there to hold him, ooh and ahh over him, and throw out your love to him. He's a very lucky little man. He's doing well. We just went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and he's now in the 50% for his height and weight. He's also putting on the pounds! He was 6lbs 2 oz when born and now is over 8lbs! He's getting big and he has a bottomless pit for a stomach! He was doing an average of 2-4 oz when born and is not between 4-8 each feeding! Crazy. He's incredibly cute and very very happy. We catch him smiling about a lot of little things. People say it's just gas bubbles but we know the truth! He's happy to be alive!

BEER

Strawberry Wheat.

OG: 1.047

FG: 1.012

ABV: 4.5%

IBU: 15

Ingredients:

1 can (3.3) plain wheat extract

3lbs Light DME

.5lb crystal 20

.5 lb Carapils

1 oz Mt Had hop pellets

.5 tsp Irish moss

White Labs California Ale or 1 pack Safale dry yeast

3/4 c priming sugar

strawberry fruit flavor

couple of things:

No finishing hops! yay! really easy to make.

add your strawberry flavor during bottling. Don't let it sit in your fermentor!

Directions:

1. Steep grains in hop bag in 1.5 gallons of water at 155 degrees for 30 minutes.

2. Remove grains and bring to a boil.

3. Remove from heat and add both liquid and dry malt extracts. Bring back to boil.

4. Add hop pellets and boil for 20 minutes.

5. Add Irish moss last 15 minutes.

6. Combine wort with water to make 5 gallons.

7. Stir the crap outta the mixture and then pitch yeast when temperature is 70-80 degrees.

8. Let the mixture sit for about 7 days or until the beer is finished fermenting.

9. Dissolve the sugar in 2 cups of boiling water and then throw into your bottling bucket. Siphon the beer and toss in the strawberry flavor.

10. Bottle.

11. About 10-14 days from then, uncap and drink. Enjoy!

And here's SAM!!

Birth

MY SON IS HERE!!!

he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here he's here, he's here, he's here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and damn, is he gorgeous!!

I'm so excited I can't even begin to describe it. I get what all those other people say when they say you can't compare the feeling to anything else. It's truly remarkable! I love this little guy so very much! It's so bizarre these feelings. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe over time I will. 

I'm posting some pics up here for you all to look at. I'll put more as the weeks go on.

Thank you for everyone who gave congrats, praise and support. YOu all rock my socks!

Letter

I wrote this letter to a few good friends and decided to make it public. I just feel that it's very necessary to share with everyone and let them know how much I appreciate them. Read it or not, I feel good knowing it's out there. I don't often remark on how much I enjoy being around people and compliments are far and between from my mouth and hardly ever sound sincere. I just want you to know, whoever it is that's reading this, I care.

Hello!

  I was writing this to a friend of mine who I haven't spoken to in a few years. While I was writing it I realized that this email applied to so many other people in my life and I wanted to share it all with you. As I state later in this email, I am truly thankful for everything you have ever done for me, whether big or small. I know that during certain points in my life I depended on you to make me strong, keep me going or just be there to hold me. I thank you for your continuing belief in me and I hope I will be able to rise to the task before me. I guess I've been thinking about the people in my life that helped essentially make me the person I am today. Your friendship made me such a better person and I will always be in your debt for it. The reason why I've been going through these thoughts is that I'm having a baby! Anytime in the next couple of days I will be looking into the eyes of my son. And I know that as I stare into his eyes I will be thinking two things.

1. I have a beautiful boy that I will love more than anything else in the world. 
2. Have i learned enough about this world to teach my son to grow up and be strong, smart, and happy?

   I guess I've been thinking a lot of past and current friendships and with the future coming forward so quickly, I fear losing a piece of my identity. I feel as though I'm about to put my own self aside as I make room for this beautiful child and if I do, I just don't want my friendships to go with it. I make this sound so morbid! I really am excited about all of this and I cannot express the proper words to explain just how overjoyed I am. I want to make sure in the years to come that I stay connected in some way with the people that helped me get here. Above everything else that I have learned from books, teachers and my parents, I truly believe that it's people like you that have come into my life and heart that have made me the man that I am today. I want to thank you for providing me with something that is beyond a classroom. You have shared a part of yourself for me to take and cherish inside of my heart that I will never forget. I hope that I can teach my son the strength of friendship and impart upon him what it means to have people in your life that will forever change you. Thank you for being there when I needed you. 

Please let me know how your life is going and what is happening with you. I need the updates!!

Take care,
Patrick

Reliving

There are those moments when you kinda stare off and your mind begins to reshape events that happened in your past and all of a sudden you're reliving it. And it's so crystal clear in your mind that you actually feel like you're there. You can smell the air, see the event and actually be a part of your own subconscious. I guess that's what I envision virtual reality like. 

I just had that moment when I can for some reason or other remember the events that took place that day. I was focusing on the day that I said goodbye to a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, unlike those story book's you read about your friend leaving to go fight a war, or search for their soul, or dying in some epic moment, this was a friend who wanted nothing to do with you. It was a "I would like to cut you out of my life" kind of friend. Being on the receiving end of that, it pretty much sucks. I see how it goes through my head, the evil messaging back and forth, the harsh words the anger and frustration I felt after it was through. I guess in some ways I'm still not over it. 

For some reason though, I feel compelled to write to this person and tell them I'm having a baby. I was so shocked at how I had this urge. I just had to confess to this person my deepest darkest secret. I had to come clean, like this friend was my conscience for so long. THey held me accountable for so much and in some ways made me a better person. I just didn't think I owed them a thing. I was pretty sure that everything that we had done together meant we were friends and that's all. I just didn't realize that after all these years, I still wanted them to know about my life. Maybe it was my olive branch in hopes that we can let bygones be bygones. I'm not sure where I was coming from with it but I hope that whatever my intentions, they work in my favor.

I think a lot these days of the person that I've become. More specific, I think of how I became that person. It's still weird for me to say that I'm a man. I feel like a boy a lot of the times. A boy who doesn't have any idea of what is happening in this world, just enjoying the ride. Or a teenager. A stupid teenager who is just learning about drugs, sex, and rock and roll. I can't believe that in a month, I will be in charge of a person. I guess maybe that's why i wanted to write to this old friend. I want a clean slate as a beginning to start this child's life. I want no anger or hate when this boy is entering this world. I want him to come out perfect and because of it, I can't have any more lingering feelings of doubt or sadness or regret. I have to close my previous chapter of my life for good and get ready to start writing the new one. I hope I still can.

Bond

So there are these moments that you can specifically remember for the rest of your life and no matter how old you become you will always be able to treasure them. I guess that's where grandparents get all of their story telling from. Profound examples of how the world for one moment stopped and paid attention to you.

I am not actually citing an example of how that happened to me in this. I just feel that through all of my writing over all of the years I think about how at this moment, something so profound, so provocative, without measure, came in and touched your soul. It was so important that I had to write it down. Because it happened to  only you, there is no gainsay from others because it's your very own. Your experiences are only ours. The real privilege is when our experiences are shared with another. From jumping out of a plane together to defying death, when we can relive those experiences with someone our bond is even closer knitted. 

I am reminded of my trip to Prague over the summer. My friend Lauren had emailed me saying that she was doing this summer camp and would I be interested in helping out. I immediately said yes! and went through the whole interview process and such, got the job and had to buy the plane ticket, set everything up with traveling and rendezvous and yadda yadda yadda. The thing was that Lauren and I weren't really that close. We worked together before in summer camps but not so closely and not so well. We sort of had a good distant relationship and that was all. I was afraid that she was going to know everyone and kind of leave me to fend for myself (in a country where I was teaching English to non-speaking children) so I was pretty apprehensive.

Thing was that because of this experience, Lauren and I became insanely close and now is one of my very best friends. The whole two weeks were spent, laughing, talking, joking around (there was some work in there somewhere) and very much talks of how the world works. When you have two weeks together you learn so much about each other and go through so many of the same things that you have no choice but to have a link to each other.

Those moments are so precious and worth remembering and writing about. I just think that with everything going the way it is these days, we want to be able to remember our faith, our love, our compassion towards others. Write about it, preach about it, blog about it, we must have something to always hold on to. We are not so primitive in this day in age when all we think about is taking from another, hurting another, being jealous of what others have. We claim ourselves the most intelligent race and yet we gratify ourselves by beating up another. Rise above this. Be more than this. We can treasure our memories for a lifetime. In the end of your journey on this earth, do we want to recall the memories of long trips cross country over Europe or of hate and bigotry and war? With our last breath, I would hope that we want to say, "I love you" to our family and friends and not, "one day, you too will die!" Think of the message that we need to put out there. Be better than this. It is the only way our country will continue to survive. 

Probation

Well I'm at home today because I was temporarily suspended from work.

WHAT?! You of all people Patrick?!

I know right!

It is absolutely absurd the way my owner has taken control of the situation. Let me explain a little further. I walked into work yesterday with a note in my cubby that said, "Patrick, Move benches, clean sweep floors, clean cubbies!! EVERY NIGHT They Are Disgusting, Gayle." 

Now I am somewhat of a neat freak. Not OCD but pretty close, in my opinion. I like no mess and really at work I'm a little more lax than at home. But I always keep the gym up to par and clean it as best as possibly can. This was a very insulting note to me. Not only that but it was written on a post-it note and shoved in my box. I was angry.

sidenote: I have been putting up with my owner's shit for a while now. I actually date it back to when I asked for a promotion in October. Which she said, we'll talk and never went from there. From that point she has nothing to offer but negativity, snide remarks, and criticism of what I do. Over our last spring break she pulled me aside saying that I'm too sarcastic to the children and she has gotten complaints from parents about it (which is complete bullshit) and Kahla (my other co-worker) would be training our new hire with the overall eye. Everything is wrong when it comes to me. She has also threaten to cut hours, pay and benefits if the work that each gym is doing is not improved. 

So I wrote an extremely watered down note of how I do not appreciate how she regards me in a single post-it note of how everything is my fault here and instead of a team effort it was all on me. I wrote to her and told her if she has a problem with it then she needs to speak to me directly and not through a yellow piece of paper. I expect something a little more from her than this. A face-to-face or even a phone call would be the necessary thing to do not write a note.

My owner then calls me and says that I do not address her like this and that she's taking me off the schedule for the rest of the week to think about things and we'll talk on Monday. Apparently when people stand up to her they are dismissed and punished. Last I checked, freedom of speech was still in our Amendments. And the last I heard, defending yourself wasn't grounds for dismissal. I could be wrong, but I am very angry towards her right now. I think she has completely overacted with everything that has gone on with us and completely forgetting how loyal I have been to her over these last couple of years. I think that she is only thinking of what is happening now without consequence to the future of her company. 

This is the kind of thing that I hate about working there. Nothing is every praised. At least not myself. I might seem like I'm bitching a lot with this post but in all honesty it's a way for me to get out what is going on with me. I have a lot to deal with outside of work and as able as I am to push these outside things from my mind when it comes to work, I still have them going on. Not once has my owner mentioned my soon-to-be baby or even a congratulations. She has not once talked to me or offered any sort of comfort or advice about it. I find this insulting. Had we just started working with each other than I would somewhat understand. But we've had a long history now and it is very cruel of her to just forget about me. I haven't heard a single bit of praise utter out of her mouth in the last 6 months and snippets of them here and there in the last year. Hell, I haven't had a raise in 2 years. I feel that I've pent up a lot of frustration and I guess it kinda exploded in this email but even still, it wasn't rude or even condescending. For her to even try and label this as an attack or insult is way beyond anything that I was trying to accomplish and I'm sick and tired of trying to be polite with her. I want this resolved. Now.

BEER

So I make beer.

Most of you know this by now but for those of you who don't I do. And it's pretty awesome. Making beer has been a hobby of mine for a little over a year now. I got started with the Mr. Beer collection which is a great great device. I recommend it to all you new brewer's out there! It's easy and really makes decent beer. The one draw back is that there is a lot of head! My friend Julia had said once that Mr. Beer really is the champagne of beers because of how much head is produced. But seriously, good beer.

After a couple months with that thing I decided to really go for the real home brewers stuff and buy some serious equipment. SO I got the glass carboy and the ale pail and the cleaners and the kits and now I'm a brewing machine!! It is so fantastic to make and figuring out recipes and stuff like that is a lot of fun. People say that bottle capping your beer is one of the biggest pains, which I completely agree. It's about 30-40 minutes of pouring the stuff into your bottles and then capping them which is boring. There's nothing exciting about doing it. I don't complain about it because it's like anything else that you do in the kitchen. THe end result is yours! YOu just made some really good beer and you're bottling YOUR brew. I think that excitement in itself is worth those 30-40 minutes of bottling.

The reason why I'm writing this is that I just made a really great Smoked Porter and I wanted to share the recipe with everyone that actually reads this, which I doubt is very many. I hope one day I will have a following on here but for right now, those 3 people, you are my biggest fans! This porter had a very rich flavor and a definite taste of something grilled on a woodfire oven! The one thing I definitely recommend is to put NO more than the specific amount of liquid smoke in your brew. It seems like very little but it's a strong pungent smell that will overpower your brew if you use it too much! ENjoy. I'm making a Peach beer (which I'll lie and say it's a Apricot. who can taste the difference?!) and then the Next step for me, is all-grains!

Malt extract: 6lbs Northwestern dark extract

Specialty grain: 1lb 40-L crystal malt

Bittering hops: 2oz Northern Brewer (60 min)

Flavoring hops: 1 oz Fuggles (15 min)

Yeast: Wyeast #1028

Flavor ingredient: 1 ox Wright's liquid smoke

Primary: 6 days at 65 degrees ( I actually did 12 days in one fermentor just because I only have one!)

starting gravity: 1.045

finishing gravity: 1.012

Now just for those newbies out there, your starting and ending can be completely different from mine. ONly go with what you know! But average that gravity out at least 35% from the beginning. if it's not there you probably need to wait!

useless

I am typing on a keyboard where the spacebar squeaks! Haha, quite interesting.

I really didn't have a whole lot to talk about but I figure I would write something to make my blog updated. I think that a lot of people just write and go absolutely nowhere which is why it's so hard to read a lot of crap that is out there. But I figured that this would be one of those entries and if anyone is actually reading this then I would say wait for the next entry!

expecting

so for those of you who haven't heard, i'm having a child. yippee!!

"what the hell patrick?! you, of all people are going to be a father?! "

yes yes, i know, do I seem like the one person in the world who is mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being a father? I guess it's time to grow up! I will say that it is incredibly exciting to get ready for this thing. From choosing what clothes he'll wear (oh yeah, I'm having a boy!) to where we're going to live, to what we're going to name him, it's really getting me excited! 

I guess I had a little freak out moment a couple of days ago. I was leading this birthday party and this child kept saying, "let's do that again!" over and over. And I began to think, how did he learn what again means? did he learn it at school or was it something that he picked up as he was growing up? I have to teach my baby all of these things! I have to be in charge of making sure he has the best education. From fractions, to ABCs to Obama, there are so many things in this world that I have to teach my little one about. Am I going to be able to do that for him? I don't want him to get into kindergarden and be low functioning just because dad didn't teach him properly!! So I guess I got really freaked out about all of that. But Alice calmed me down and I stopped worrying about it all.

I just realize how much responsibility a parent has. Not just with keeping them fed and warm but entertaining it, cleaning it, holding it, loving it, educating it. There's just so much and there's probably even more that I'm not even thinking about. If you keep thinking this way it's enough overwhelm you!

I guess most men have those thoughts of how ready they are to be a father and I am definitely in that bracket. I guess in all honesty I'm pretty much ready to do this and I'm not 100% sure if having a baby has truly hit me yet. I think that I'm still floating on the idea that this is someone else's child. From what I've read about it, most men do not feel like a true father until they are in the delivery room and see their child born. And once he's in your arms, life suddenly becomes very real to them! So I guess we'll have to wait and see if that's me!

gold

Okay, so this blog might seem like a little misleading. I didn't actually win gold here but as one runner said, we're in it to finish! And that to me seems like a gold winner!

What the hell am I talking about?

Oh that's right, I ran a half marathon on Sunday! Wowee. I seriously thought that my time on this planet was up. I sat inside my parents RV the night before eating a delicious bowtie pasta with vodka sauce and lemon soaked chicken with green beans and I thought, "this is my last meal." Why wouldn't something so delicious be considered the last good thing a person should eat? And so I got a little sad thinking about everything I've known and everything that has happened to me and I decided to go to bed around 8:30. I figured, why not have a good night sleep before you die as well?

Come race day, I'm up at 5:30 in the morning and we're driving to the event and it is DARK! and we're there (we're being my parents and I) and my parents drop me off to park while I walk around seeing all of these people just stretching or walking along laughing or jogging to warm up. And here was me, looking around feeling overwhelmed with Nike trackpants, an England pullover that I got from Walmart and my body armor shirt underneath. Attached to my feet are my 3 year old Addidas running shoes that are well worn and would not survive the end of this trip! I felt very out of place. All these people and yet I still felt like the lone stranger from out of town.

I will say the good thing about running is, no matter how nervous you feel, no matter how scared you are, you really can't screw it up. You don't have to worry about messing up your lines or forgetting what to say to a huge crowd or if your fly is zipped. You just start running. And that's exactly what happened with me. I just started running. And as lame as this sounds, once I started, everything else fell behind. My fears, my anxieties, my stress. I just ran and let everything else take control. And it felt really really good! I decided to pace myself fairly early. No flashy start or strong sprint in the beginning. I was going to take it slow and keep it slow during the whole thing. My initial strategy was the start slow and go for probably around 5 miles and then stop.

Let me interject something really quickly. Up until this event the farthest I had run was 5 miles and that was with a stop in there. The longest I had run was probably 3.2 miles which is right at a 5K standard. And we're back in.

So I was running and there was a crowd all around us cheering us on. And I could feel the adrenline surging through me and I just wanted to sprint with the vigor I had. But I kept it cool, keeping even pace with the person in front of me. This became a habit that I continued to follow throughout the race. Match speed with someone in front of you that is going the speed you'd like to go and just keep following them. Before I knew it, 1 mile had come up. Then 2 then 3 and before I knew it I was up to mile 5 without feeling tired! I was elated so I kept pushing myself. And I'm thinking, "okay, after 6 I might take a break" but I'm running and I am not seeing mile marker 6. And I'm worried that I'm getting slower and the run is getting longer and I'm getting more and more tired. THen, in the distance I see that beautiful green marker sign they've laid out for the runners. And I'm so excited that I have reached 6 miles without stopping! And we get up to it and it says mile 7!! And now, I'm like why not hit 8?! So I keep on running.

About this time my feet start to cramp up and my blister pain has finally caught up to me. So, after mile 8 I figure it might be time to slow down and consider walking a bit. So I slow down and when I do, every other pain in my legs, shoulders and shins catch up to me. My tiredness catches up to me. I drain fast! So I have to keep running to be ahead of all of this. I jog some more but it's too late. I feel the pain. So I grab some water, make a quick bathroom break and jog a little more. I get to mile 9 and I figure I should walk a little bit. Clear my soreness and then when I get to mile 10 I can finish strong! At that moment that I decide to take it slow and walk, this big fat boy runs by me. And he's not going very fast but he's moving and he's determined to finish this thing. That's when it hits me: I will not be beaten by a fat boy! So I have to start running again.

Throughout the rest of this journey I had to stop here and there because my side cramps create such a pain that I cannot ignore them, although everyone tells me to run through it, it's something that I've never been able to do. But in the end I get to the last .3 miles and I'm struggling with foot pains, blisters and side cramps I start getting cold. When I push myself to go faster I get even colder and I seriously thought I was going to go into shock. My body hadn't been pushed this far in such a long time I seriously was afraid I was going to pass out on the street! So I had to take it very slow just to make sure nothing would happen. And then I saw the finish line. And I was physically forcing myself to run the last .1 mile. If it was a cartoon, you would see a giant hand reaching down, grabbing my shirt, and dragging me to the end. But I ignored all pain in every place that was growing on my body and I pushed those last few steps and crossed that finish line! With a finishing time of 2:31:27. I was so very very excited!

I would like to say this was the most intense thing I've ever done in my life but surprisingly, it was really easy and while I still have a few injuries that I'm recovering from, I'm glad I did it and proud of myself. It was a really good experience and I'm seriously thinking about doing it again. Who'd thunk?

Oh, and I did beat that fat boy.

anew

Hello to all!

Now I am definitely not new in the blogging community but my old site was pretty lame and I haven't had much writing in there. In fact I pretty much had left it to start blogging in My Space. But I'm never on My Space and it's pretty much a waste of time for me that I felt that I needed a fresh start with a new setting. Enter Blogger. Plus that Frank Warren guy uses this site so it's gotta be pretty good. 

Anyway, I'm just starting back into this whole writing thing that I don't have a whole lot to talk about so I'm going to keep this short. But I'm thinking very soon I'll have much more to talk about because I do like writing and I like giving my opinion even if others don't care to hear it. That's all.

p.s. I will usually title each blog with one word. I think it makes a bolder statement and they do that when titling Smallville episodes and anyone who knows me, knows I'm huge loser when it comes to that show!